...rooted in love

Happy 5th Birthday Scherzo!....

2012-01-26T21:00:00.000-05:00

Giveaway!

2012-01-19T21:52:00.000-05:00

We are hosting a giveaway! You can find all the details and info on how to enter over at our facebook page:

Family Rooted In Love

And baby makes seven, turns 2....

2012-01-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to our precious surprise!

(Big thanks to Beth Humphrey who took the professional photos in this selection)

December pictures...

2011-12-28T14:44:00.000-05:00

A perfect gift from Grammee and Popple, he loves it!

Thanks for the idea Angel!

Getting the same sparkly bracelet the big girls got, priceless!

Etude, "Mom, Christmas bike on car, no Africa happen."

You are right, Etude, I bet you didn't see that in Africa before *smile*

Primo: "Mom, I kinda feel like we are standing with the villains or something"

(at live nativity)

Scherzo and baby were NOT happy to be anywhere near that camel!

Marine Corps Ball

Signing "Happy, Birthday, Jesus"

One of the very FEW request Etude had for the holidays, this star, lit up on the Christmas tree, was at the top of his list.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T04:30:00.001-05:00

May you have a wonderful 2012, full of blessings, love, peace and personal growth.

Guest Post: "When the Holidays Hurt" and "Legacy"....

2011-12-23T23:18:00.001-05:00

by Beth Humphrey

"When the Holidays Hurt"

One year ago today, we found out that dad's cancer diagnosis from the day before was stage IV...and I remember the numbness, the rawness, the feelings of total helplessness and despair. I remember standing in line in all the stores (because none of us had done any Christmas shopping yet) for the next 3 days, just looking around me and wondering if the person in front of me in line, or the cashier, or the greeter was going through something as devastating as me...were they dying inside? Was someone dear to them dying, or hurting or addicted, or any other assortment of tragic things??? Were others, like me, when asked, "How are you?" by well-meaning cashiers, blankly replying with "I'm fine", because the magnitude of the pain was so great that if one word of it left my lips, the rest would pour out of my eyes and drown us all?

I still feel this way, and wonder these things, and I am sure there are others out there with gaping wounds that are walking around on the verge of crumbling...

So, especially during this Christmas season, when hurts are magnified, flames of anger are fanned, patience is practically non-existent...
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32
And thank you and I love you all for the love and kindness you have shown me, and continue to show, through all of this...you have blessed me beyond words...♥

"Legacy"

This past year has been a difficult one for our family...
My precious daddy was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer just four days before last Christmas. He spent 3 weeks in the hospital in New Bern, NC, and came to our home on hospice in January. On February 28th, just 2 days after his 81st birthday, he went to be with Jesus. His death has left a gaping hole in our family...we miss him terribly...
I would like to share my dad’s legacy with you...it is this:
Love God.
Love others.
As I watched this strong, vibrant, retired Marine become bedridden and unable to do for himself, I saw more clearly than ever what his life was truly about: loving and giving. Everyone who came into his room (even if they were toting a needle or a respiratory torture device) was greeted by his warm smile, and left with a handshake and a “thank you”. I will never forget the depth of love in his eyes as he expressed his appreciation to those caring for and visiting him...it was pure and holy and not of this world...
Daddy loved gospel music, and it played a lot of the time in his room. He would just close his eyes and listen and worship quietly. But even in death, as in life, he lived out his faith by doing...and when you are unable to “do”, you can still love, which is really the greatest thing you can possibly “do” anyway...
When it all is said and done...
when all your money
all your accomplishments
all your desire
can’t buy another minute of life...
It all boils down to those two things:
Loving God and loving others.
May you be blessed with both this Christmas season...
and every day...
With much love,
Beth

*Beth is a wife, homeschooling mother of 4, caregiving daughter, treasured friend and photography is her ~~therapy~~, favorite hobby...

Happy Hanukkah!

2011-12-21T12:23:00.000-05:00

The first night of Hanukkah we were able to light the candles, saying a Hebrew prayer/blessing all through speakerphone with our dear friend Christina, her husband and Angel in South Carolina. Hanukkah is also know as the festival of lights and is 8 days long, more Hanukkah pictures and activities will be posted over the coming days.
This was my facebook status yesterday:

Hanukkah is a celebration and remembrance of a miracle that happen 2000 years ago, as we begin Hanukkah tmrw night at sun down, I want to challenge you to recapture the "awe" in your life...The God winks..the time you have been frozen in your steps of life and KNEW Heaven was watching or helping...maybe the first time your held your child, maybe witnessing a harden heart softened...maybe experiencing forgiveness beyond understanding...the world is full of darkness, evil, oppression, take a pause and celebrate 8 nights of miracles, wonder and child like faith

We welcome your posts of miracles you have experienced or blessings beyond understanding. We celebrate the good, the peaceful, and the miraculous with you this season.

There once was a boy and a girl....

2011-12-11T23:08:00.000-05:00

...and then ten years later, there was this boy, this girl and these 5 little children on a journey of love, healing, growth and challenges.

(Thank you for the pictures and special watermark, Beth!)

Journey To Health: ALIVE- Thanksgiving (Vegan Style)

2011-11-28T02:18:00.001-05:00

I am so blessed with amazing friends like Abby and Bobbie, we all got together the Saturday after Thanksgiving to attempt a special Vegan-style Thanksgiving meal, with a focus on raw and whole foods.

Everything was simply delicious!! I couldn't describe it all, no matter how I tried. Fresh, real foods, with organic and natural seasonings, no meat, no dairy. Everyone enjoyed it, including the husbands!

I put tangerine, limes, and apples through the juicer, added mashed bananas and froze them overnight in a muffin pan. About 2 hours before the party, I used pineapples, mangoes, spinach, limes, apples, and oranges to make a fresh fruit juice/smoothie for the punch. We used the fruit juice cubes to keep the juice cold and as the circles melted it added a little more kick of sweetness and tartness to the juice punch.

Abby not only made several delicious things(including garlic bread knots, hummus and sweet potato casserole) she also made a dessert! They resemble of a chocolate/pb treat. The kids had several there and we also took some home, which were eaten before bed that night.

We all had a wonderful time and each of our children tried almost everything and also loved almost everything! It was a great success! I learned so much during that dinner about foods, cooking and easy replacements to keep "beloved recipes" more healthy and even totally vegan.

Journey To Health: ALIVE -The beginning...

2011-11-28T01:04:00.003-05:00

5k,Urgent Care, and desperation

Thanksgiving day was to be my first 5k, ever. It is something I have dreamed of, wanted, and never believed I could actually do. Well, I didn't do it. As you know I had several medical problems come up...one specifically was an extremely(can not wear any shoes, even flip flops leave a mark) swollen left foot. I also was having migraines that were lasting 1-3 days, per week, and pain medicine was not even making a dent! Acid reflux and stomach pains were a regular, daily occurrence. I was really at a loss for exactly what to do, several trips to Urgent Care, the ER, and a couple specialists resulted in labs and work-ups with no answers. They ran hormone screening, cholesterol, looked for blood clots, early menopause and more. I was emotionally in a low place from having my 5k dream on hold, the real pain of it being that the hold was indefinitely. According to the doctors: If you get dizzy when you exercise, don't exercise. If you feel nauseous when rising in the morning sleep in 2 more hours. If your foot is too swollen for a shoe, don't wear one.
These are NOT solutions, the last Urgent Care trip the doctor said, "Maybe we should just TRY a neurologist, to poke around for something..." she kept talking but I was already gone. My head rocked with the false vibration of the lights as they pierced through my eyes and deep into my neck. None of this made any sense to me. Other than being overweight and hypothyroid, I was healthy, according to the labs. So I was to just treat the symptoms(nausea and migraine medications) and keep living and hopefully work in some out of town speaclists that may or may not help me after running several tests.
Leaving the urgent care for the last time with my doctor's notes, medications, instructions to rest, not exercise, follow up with all these specialists orders~ I thought-there has to be another way. She causally and lightheartedly joked as I was walking to Ashley waiting in the van, "Oh and avoid major stress, it is a killer."

I wanted to punch her, I wanted to cry on her shoulder, I wanted to scream, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE LAST 2.5 YEARS?!?!?!?!?!" but I didn't, because I don't have any fight left. Not for me. I have spent all my energy until my health is bouncing checks that my body simply can not cash anymore. I have fought for Vivace, and currently have challenges with Etude's school, I am fighting to create a new normal in the house, to accomplish homeschooling, early intervention specialist appointments, and therapy while supporting my military husband with unpredictable hours and assignments. People believe that Vivace is away and we live in lala land with no issues, we actually receive 2 social calls a week that are often heated, full of insults, and painful. We also have an hour therapy session with his therapist and him jointly on the videophone, which are not light topics. We participate in monthly treatment calls, and anytime he erupts in violence I get a call from the nurse advising me of the situation and how it was handled. I receive his school newsletter, his behaviors charts, and have to continually report to the case management team that ensures the insurance coverage that I fought so hard for, stays in place.

"Avoid major stress, it is a killer!" was on repeat in my head, it continued to the "vibration" of any light I was unlucky enough to be around, to each bump and toss of the van as we rode home. The pharmacist sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher, everything was foggy if I could open my eyes at all, one thing I was sure of was my foot had joined the pains of my head, eyes and neck and they all throbbed in a unison of protest.

I took the migraine medicine and it worked very well(with side effects) and the next day I was researching how much it would cost to do the Jenny Craig program. I knew it tasted good, I knew that I could do it, I needed someone, something to help me...It was too expensive.
I began to research various affordable methods from overeaters anonymous, to local Weight Watchers groups, to online group support networks like Ediets. I read lots of scripture and talked to lots of friends. My foot stayed swollen, even when I woke, it was painful to stand on, my migraines and headaches were almost constant. I began drinking Mt Dew again and not taking care of myself at all. I was feeling defeated, because I had nothing left to offer myself. No fight. No direction.

My friend Bobbie and I were reading up on several things, one thing that made sense to both of us was the Hallelujah Diet. I believe it started more as a "this makes sense" and a "this should be cost effective short term solution" type discussion. We both read and researched more. The more we learned the more we felt right about aiming for whole foods, mostly raw, juicing fruits and vegetables and just aiming to feel more alive by eating more alive. We picked Abby's brain, as our local "expert," on where to buy Organic, the Co-ops, Vegan recipes, why juicing is processed different than eating the same fruits, etc. Abby would never call herself an expert, but she has an incredible thirst for knowledge to be healthy naturally inside and out and experience in doing so for some time now. Bobbie was much more ready to jump in that I was, and she did, almost a week before I was ready. She blogged about it recently and I encourage you to check it out.

I was extremely worried about coming off of processed foods, sugars, Mt. Dew, dairy, meat....so many things! I waited for the weekend so I could plan to lay in a miserable coma until the detox passed. Saturday morning I was to start, and I was still hesitant- here goes 2-4 days of pain I thought, but wasn't I already living in pain? I stood to get out of bed and my ankle was full and swollen, painful and I thought, "Well, here goes everything."

Yes, crazy painful! The swollen "foot," was actually swollen toes, foot, and ankle and I felt like it would eventually move up my leg all the way. I did everything the doctors told me to do, even stopped all exercise! And I was still waking up with my foot like this, it was worse before bed after the day was done.

Saturday morning, I mixed a few greens with a few fruits, prepared to hold my nose and cover my mouth if it was to gag back up.

It.was.so.delicious! I drank, the children all drank it, Ashley tried it and we all LOVED it, it was sweet, you could not even taste the spinach! I was use to starting my mornings with Mt. Dew, a very sweet soda, for the better part of 15 years. This was the IDEAL substitute. A sweet, refreshing, liquid breakfast. It was amazing!

No recipe just: I like these fruits lets toss them in, and some greens and a few carrots and here we go! Amazing.

I wasn't hungry all day and I stayed on program with the juicing, whole grains, mostly raw foods lay out. I had a very mild headache Saturday night and that was it. I didn't crave the Mt. Dew because I wasn't craving processed sugar, or any of the "junk."

24 hours of juicing, whole grains and raw foods, lead up to this:

...something doctors couldn't do, but 24 hours and my foot was almost completely better. 24 hours. Unbelievable. I never really had any bad side effects of "detoxing" at all...it was painless and easy. it tasted wonderful and was filing and I was not hungry at all. (And I know you want to ask-did it give you the runs, did you get diarrhea?! Did it make you gassy?! Nope! I did have to pee several times as my body flushed out toxins, but none of the other stuff!)

I started the program Saturday morning, at the weigh in the following Tuesday I lost 9.5lbs, without being hungry, without migraines, without a swollen foot, no reflux or stomach pains. One of the added benefits is true, deep, meaningful sleep.

You don't know how restless your sleep truly is, until you have truly restful sleep.

This is just the beginning!

I am learning so much about food, our bodies, and American culture and politics affecting food choices and expectations, and even guidelines. I wanted to share with you several resources I have found, as I continue to learn and grow in this process. There is a "rough draft version" of my new tab at the top of the page called "Journey To Health: ALIVE," it will include resources, books, websites, and links to my journey in chronological order, I am just beginning with it, it will grow with time and experience, so check back often for more resources.

I have spent a solid 9+ months working on me, my issues, my past trauma, my set backs in the emotional side of changing my body and lifestyle. And while I just had a set back last week (Wednesday) I have grown so much that I am confident I will not gain bulk weight back and sabotage myself(as I normally do) for weeks and even months, but instead hold steady at my current weight and find pleasure in knowing that is growth. I am weighing in every Tuesday with Bobbie for accountability and support, and I am fortunate to have her on this journey.

Are you still doing donations and matching weight loss?

Yes! However, It will begin again Jan 1, 2012. I need a few weeks to get this new information from awkward application to comfortable daily usage. I did gain some of the weight I lost this year back, and I am currently knocking that off week by week. I am looking forward to finishing strong in 2012 at my healthiest weight, emotional well being and more! I am so glad you are along for the ride!

THANK YOU for your support for Ethiopia and of me! You are amazing!!

What about the Holidays?

The holidays are about tradition, family, and religious celebration of blessed events, not food. If you need food to make an activity work, then you have the wrong people around you. Yes, treats can be nice here and there, and recipes can be changed to healthier versions, but if the activity has to be FOOD focused to feel like Hanukkah, Christmas or any special day, we have our focus wrong!

A is for....

2011-11-22T18:55:00.000-05:00

Our current memory verse! The kids are learning it spoken from memory and also in sign language!

...and then there is this...

2011-11-08T22:16:00.000-05:00

...I got the news this morning, but I am in overdrive.
We have a "respite" type situation at our house and have brought in a little girl with diagnoses Vivace also has, she will probably be here a few weeks. We were busy re-purposing Vivace's room: wall stickers, girly blankets, run the vacuum. The room was slowly awakening with life, with promise of new memories and purpose.

To be extremely honest, the only prayer I have been able to utter the last few weeks prior to this was quietly and ashamed to God-

"Help me. Indifference is crawling up my body and apathy's hands have a firm grip on my throat. Soften me, I don't want to be softened-I don't, but I know I need it. Soften me to Vivace."

Now my heart breaks for this little "respite" girl and her family. The pain, fear, and exhaustion had made residence and permeated the very air we gasped in for so long, that I recognized the smell as if it was my own-but it was theirs. In comparing battle wounds, I realized that some of mine are actually scars, they are well into the healing process. As I share books, resources, therapeutic parenting techniques, I become more aware of my knowledge base so much so that the mansion built of fear and guilt that has polluted my soul-were relocated to just a tiny shack without even a vacancy notice.

Sunday morning in church we sang the words, "If faith can move a mountain, then let the mountain move." It reminds me of one of the verses I have used to revive me, my oxygen supply when my body no longer could do it on its own.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20 NIV

Countless times I have clung to that, "nothing is impossible, nothing, nothing, nothing is impossible."

So many times during the insurance battles, the fight to be validated on his mental health challenges, the endless HOURS and HOURS of meetings, I have clung to Isaiah 45:2:

I will go before you, and will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze, and cut through bars of iron.

I have been several places and talked to countless people and kept thinking, "Where are you God? This is feeling real isolated! Hello?! I know your word says you are leveling mountains, but I feel like I am climbing them. I want to believe, I do deep in my heart somewhere believe, but...I also have doubts. Level the mountain! I do have the mustard seed, level the mountain!"

The facility that Vivace is in told me that he would have to be checked out(and monitored 24/7 for possible injury to self or others) while one insurance finished and we waited for the other to begin. No, it doesn't make sense, but does insurance ever? She explained that they have had, and do have other NC children there on the same insurance, the requirements are always the same and she just wanted me to be realistic. The primary insurance told me that it was pretty unheard of for a smooth transfer from them to the secondary insurance, to expect some turbulence in the journey and maybe even a lay over.
It is those moments, when the experts tell you it can't be done and you are facing an active duty spouse, 4 other children, your own gushing wounds, while being days overdo for a shower with no plan.at.all.
(Do you bring a violent child into the home with other children? If you do can DSS step in and remove the other children because you knowingly brought them in harms way? He is too young for group homes. Doesn't qualify for local services-because he needs something so intense, what are we going to do!?!?) that make you doubt what you know to be Truth.
While I do have those freak outs in the beginning moments, I read, I pray, I call on my prayer warriors and then Philippians 4:4-9 washes over me:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

The peace that passes all understanding...from the God of peace holds me like an embrace of friend wanting to share in your burden and lighten your load, squeezed so tight your feet are lighted off the ground.

I received an email today. An email that was long in the making. An email I KNEW I would shout from the mountain tops. An email that would be blasted on twitter, facebook and text to all my contacts, the doctor offices too! However, when I got that email, I didn't jump, I didn't scream, I didn't shout it...I whispered it aloud. Chills spread rapidly from my arms to my feet a long deep breath left my body on its own accord..a minutes, three minutes, 5 minutes pass....
I don't even know how to respond. Am I in a state of shock? Dismay?

Then I do the only thing that comes natural to me, I slide the computer chair out from under me. I sit on my knees, then my palms on the floor, now my nose and forehead....{breathing slowly, peacefully}....I say the only words that can form on my lips:

Holy
Holy
Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty.

I have spent a year clinging to verses that exemplify desperation, faith in crisis, belief that God has gone before me...I don't know that I was ever prepared to be on the other side of those verses. To stand on level ground that once was a mountain, to look back and see the gates of bronze destroyed...
I look up at the screen again, reading the words I have already memorized, "Vivace is fully approved for insurance funding, all uncovered days will be retro funded. None of us can believe it, you really did it, it is done. He can stay and get the help he needs."

My hands and face fall back to the floor and my hushed whisper begins to warm the cool floor beneath me...

Holy
Holy
Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Holy
Holy is He.
Holy
Holy
Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty.
Holy
Holy
Is He.

Pretending...

2011-11-06T22:50:00.000-05:00

....to be Mommy and Daddy

Silly fall festival picture...

2011-10-30T16:02:00.000-04:00

Photo by Beth Humphrey

October pictures...

2011-10-29T16:39:00.000-04:00

Journey to Health: An Update...

2011-10-16T15:36:00.001-04:00

I am having lots of medical challenges right now. It is extremely frustrating. I have not been "allowed" to exercise for weeks. I have been to Urgent Care 3 times in about a month, along with seeing a specialist and a few other things. I was extremely disheartened at first, I gained some of the weight back, which made me even more disheartened in the whole process.

I recently had a change of mentality, I realized that while I could not actively seek the physical well being through exercise and activity, there are so many other aspects to this journey...it is time to take ownership and reevaluate my challenge areas.

I was going to a weekly therapist in an effort to deal with Vivace's trauma and how it has impacted the entire family. She gave us parenting tips and safety tips, and focused on how best to help him. Well, she happens to also be an addiction counselor and a few other things that "fit my needs perfectly" counselor. Including helping survivors of trauma. Yes, God is amazing!

The fear of finding the right personality/expertise counselor that also accepted our insurance and then educating them about our unique family, just vanished. I am now seeing her weekly for ME. Yes, me! What an amazing concept! *smile* We talk about me! How am I doing? What are my goals? How am I achieving them? What is standing in my way?

My husband and I have been working ind-depth, with just each other, to improve our communication and listening skills. We have taken the time to say, "When you said abc, I heard efg." and "When you said hijk, the demons from my past added lmnop and now I am hurting." It has been awkward at times, but mostly really wonderful. We are both pleased with several things we have been able to discuss, including things he never knew happened with Vivace when he was deployed-because I was protecting him. And things I never knew happened with him while he was deployed-because he was protecting me. I am grateful for these long, late, in-depth and awkward conversations, they are becoming more natural and fluid and extremely healing.

So, right now I am on a physical pause-as we await more labs, more appointments and more specialists over the coming weeks. I have finally accepted that I will not be ready to run the 5K on Thankgiving day, and I am currently looking for a Jan or Feb date to run. It is still my goal, I will move it back slightly but I will not let go.
I also will dive in farther into the emotional and spiritual aspects of this journey. So when the doctors give me the physical "all clear" I will be mentally and emotionally stronger than ever...

I believe it isn't too late to reclaim health, in anyone. Not Vivace, not me, not anyone. I challenge you to pick one area of your life that you need to get back control to be healthy, tackle it now, don't wait for a New Year's Resolution...join me on the the Journey to Health. It is painfully emotional, challenging, 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, beautifully complicated journey, but you are worth it! The end result of being a healthier YOU, is worth it!

My littlest and my biggest...

2011-10-04T08:42:00.002-04:00

...hanging out watching a Signing Time DVD together. I love how easy and natural their relationship is, regardless of age or background. he looks out for her, protects her, helps her, and she follows him, pats him playfully, and tries to sign to him. They both look for the other, if one isn't present in our group.
While the boys have only been here less than 3 years, for her, they have always been here. They always were a part of the family, without question or complication.

It is simply beautiful.

Happy Birthday Etude!

2011-09-30T08:21:00.000-04:00

His birthday party with family and friends is next weekend, however his new classmates have embraced him in such a loving and compassionate way that we are doing a mini celebration at school today!

Etude is either 12 or 13 years old, we don't know for sure, however because of contact we have had in the past with his birth family, we believe he is turning 12. So 12 it is, just like that. *smile*

He has been home with us 32 months, and in the process taught us so much. He is gentle, loving, and playful with younger children. He is obsessed with super heroes, Legos, Lincoln Logs and cars. He has grown emotionally, physically, and academically by leaps and bounds in the last almost 5 months. Doing things, we once thought would be impossible for him. It is amazing to see! I also believe he will be much taller than both Ashley and I, he mentions it often, he is excited at the possibility!

Happy Birthday Etude! We are so very proud of how you are growing and maturing!

Rooted in Love Acdmy: Another Fun Science Project...

2011-09-30T01:44:00.000-04:00

Primo: So, everything they need, the food and all is in that cup?
Me: Yes, The instructions say not to open the lid, their food is in there.
Primo: Wow! So they are just crawling around in there until we tell them to make a cocoon?
Me: No, they know how to do it on their own, when they are ready. It takes time, they have to eat their food, grow, and then hang from the lid.
Primo: Then the cocoon, and then the metamorphosis?
Me: Yes! We get to watch and enjoy them now, but once we have enough cocoons, we need to put them in the butterfly garden and wait for them to hatch.
Primo: So the metamorphosis is up to them, as well?
Me: Yes.

Primo: I like watching them. It reminds me of Vivace. He has all he needs in Florida, when he is ready for his metamorphosis, he can just do it.

Future Homeschoolers of America...

2011-09-26T09:08:00.000-04:00

Hubby sent me this picture with that caption...it was just the laugh I needed. It has been a rough few weeks, OK months...I am physically sick and can not train for the 5k, right now, and am mentally exhausted. I will be so glad to have the final "OK" and truly be ALL DONE with the secondary insurance pre-approval process and authorization. I need a break, desperately.

The other half of the golden ticket....

2011-09-23T21:43:00.001-04:00

...is not in hand, yet. However, we are extremely closer. Today, we created a Person Centered Plan for Vivace, along with sharing information about him, his past, our family, and what has lead us up to this moment in our journey. Vivace participated for approximately 40 minutes and was asked a few questions like: What do you like about yourself? (smart, learn fast) What do friends like about you? (friends say they like me, I am good at games and competitions)
My heart fluttered for a moment as he responded to: What do you need help with? by saying: Getting along with people, showing respect to authority, not being aggressive when I am mad.

Yes! MY SON SAID THAT! Progress! What is that saying people always use?.... You can't fix it if you don't know it is broken....He knows it is broken!!
I know it is a script answer. However, he could have said, "NOTHING!" or "F--K You!" or "It is everyone else that has to change!" That isn't what he said! He said: Getting along with people, showing respect to authority and not being aggressive when I am mad.

So after much discussion and some emotionally difficult retelling of how we got to this point, the team agreed as a whole that where he is, is the best placement for him. They also agreed he needs more time. The team Psychologist asked for the lead therapist to increase data collection on "minor" issues as well as the major. We are looking ahead to be sure we can show progress as well as the areas he still is struggling.

The Person Center plan is created for 90 days and reviewed every 90 days. Goals can range from having appropriate turn-taking conversations with his siblings to not being aggressive or threatening peers. There are many areas to work on. The goal is still reunification to our family. This is not a sprint, it is a marathon, true healing always is a marathon.

The packet and Person Centered Plan will be formally typed up by RHA(case management services) and then submitted to the LME(Local Mental Health Entity) for final approval. It will require signatures from those involved in the meeting today and a Psychologist that approves these situations. Once those signatures are gathered it will be submitted as an "out-of-state" packet. That finally approval is what will be the other half of the golden ticket. Today's meeting went well, we are all on the same page, we all have the same goal and we, now, all see the same path to get there. There will have to be an extreme rush to complete these things...as we were originally told TriCare ends Nov 6th, and are now being told that was a typo, it is Oct 6th.

This isn't a slam duck and I can't fully celebrate the victory until this stage is complete. However, it is a HUGE step forward. I am so thankful for the base school representative that phoned into the meeting, the teacher that wrote a letter of support, the primary doctor that wrote a recommendation and the psychologist who also did summary and recommendations. I am also so very blessed to have the case manager from the EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program) and the EFMP Programs Director at the meeting to support Vivace's healing process and our family needs.

The downside or challenges we face is the time crunch primarily. Secondarily, the trips will no longer be reimbursed, which will make it slightly harder to get there as often, but right now I have to focus on the positives and how very close we are to getting the other half of the golden ticket.

Preparing for battle....

2011-09-23T11:35:00.000-04:00

I have been texting and talking with friends today, trying to prepare for this brutal meeting in a couple hours. I have been told that I will be presenting "how we got to this point" to the group. My emotions are all over the place. How we got here? How we got here? God only knows! Where are we going? God only knows! How deeply is the entire family wounded from this? God only knows! How will we ever get to the otherside of this? God only knows!

Some of the ideas you guys have given me:
* show the pictures of the injuries, blood and feces
* be vulnerable and tell the story from the beginning
* be strong and stick to dates and facts
* bring a doctors note that says you have PTSD from the last 2 years and you can't give a statement
* just give them link for the blog
* take the Emergency Room notes showing neglectful care and limited resources
* list examples of his rage, list property damaged, list therapies tried
* bring character witnesses, and prepare for the family to be "under attack"
* be prepared to defend that he is even in the USA at all

...my favorite so far is: "Jillian, just open with a general statement saying: 'Today you aren't deciding if my son can be left in a place of healing or not, because I will see to it that he is allowed to remain and heal, regardless of what you say today.....No, today you are deciding your reputation and how you will be remembered throughout history when I publish our story for the world to read.'"

Thank you! Thank you for the support, the love, the compassion, the understanding, thank you for being my cheerleaders and for making me laugh. I love you guys!

The song of my heart...

2011-09-23T11:08:00.002-04:00

Vivace: The Update...

2011-09-23T08:04:00.002-04:00

I have been putting this off for some bit...I have so many emotions in even saying his name. Right now, if you follow us on facebook, you know that the secondary insurance has approved him for long-term residential care. This allows the secondary insurance to pull from a different pot of money. It actually falls under the same category as adults with disabilities that often live in group homes and have around the clock care. That was a pretty solid victory towards allowing him to stay at the facility until he is ready to be in a home and family environment. I called it "half the golden ticket."

Today at 1pm, there is a pretty large meeting across a few different organizations. Vivace will be participating in part of that meeting via videophone. This is the beginning, or on-going, battle to have his "long term residential care" continue out-of-state where he is located. It seems so simple to me:

1) Does NC have any mental health facilities for the deaf and hard of hearing? NO
2) A child that honeymooned for 2 months and it just now starting to understand the program and show his true personality and talk about his past and is attaching to staff and peers, a child that has Reactive ATTACHMENT Disorder should be yanked from this facility and put in a new one? NO

So, why would he be moved anywhere? Money, it all comes back to money. Who is paying for it, how it was ordered, who is getting it approved.

I was told this meeting is my chance to plea my case. So, today in front of 12-20 strangers, I will be reliving, retelling, re experiencing the last 2 and half years....

"Base Dispatch, how can I help you?"*deep gulp* hand trembling, lump in my throat.....Yes, hi, I, um, my son...my son is almost 10...he had a rage fit, yes rage-anger, he smacked himself repeatedly, he was manic and screaming and threatening my life, threw blood on the ceiling...he is calm now but I need an MP(Military Police) or someone or something, I need someone, I need...I need to get him to the ER, we have to get him help, we have to do something, he can't live like this, I can't live like this, I don't know what he will be like when he wakes up...what will he do next? Please...I need someone to come to the house, I need help, please....

It may have happened in May, but it is still fresh like the morning dew....TriCare ends on Nov 6th and it will mark 150 days that Vivace has been there.

Yet, he has so far to still go....

hitting staff,
hitting peers,
kicking,
raging,
screaming,
threatening,
pounding tables,
triangulating adults,
losing privileges,
manipulating,

...we all have so much healing to still do.

Monkey See, Monkey Do....

2011-09-19T18:46:00.002-04:00

"Little Pink Riding Hood"

"Mini Pink Riding Hood"

The baby just left the table, grabbed a pencil and a sheet of paper and went back to the table and started "drawing." When she finishes it, she is beaming with pride and brings it to me, "Mommmmmmy, ook, ook!"

She grabs the remote and points it at the TV when she wants the movie louder.

She demands a spoon, refusing to eat with her fingers. If a piece falls on the floor she takes it to the trash. When she is done eating she walks her spoon and bowl to the sink.

She sits for fifteen minutes at a time, carefully flipping each page of the book and "reading" it aloud, clapping at the end.

She is 20 months old, precious, funny, sassy and full of life.

It is the environmental factors. She has 2 older sisters and 2 older brothers, and she is actively mimicking and copying what they do. Always ready to jump into the action, even if she isn't sure what the action is, she knows she wants to be part of it. There is a natural inclination to do what is shown to you, modeled.

What are we modeling to our children? Are we tired and exhausted and respond with "WHATTTTTTTTTTT DO YOU NEEEEEEEED?" or are we sarcastic? "YES! That IS what I said!" It is one of the things that comes up in attachment books and workshops often, you need to be 'attachable'...even when you don't fully feel like it. However, I think it is for ALL kids, regardless of background. They mirror us...even if they later decide they don't like something we did and they try to change it in themselves as adults, it is a challenge. They mirror us...the good, the bad, the everyday...it all matters. Want a sweeter child? Me more gentle. Want a patient child? Show patience. Want a child that care about humanity? Start caring about humanity, or acting upon it.Want them to be forgiving? Be forgiving.

I am trying to be more aware of my tone, my word choice, what adult conversation we have in front of the children, getting down to their eye level, speaking more kindly, making more time. You can never make enough time, so always just keep shooting for the most you can do. They grow so fast.

I want them to simply love, so I need to simply love.

This is where I am tonight...lots of nights...

2011-09-14T22:53:00.000-04:00

(Boys came home Jan 2009. My friend Beth made this around Dec of 2009.)

"Your courage asks me what I am made of...
...and what I know of love,
...and what I know of God."
~Sarah Groves

It is all Beth's fault...

2011-09-09T20:23:00.001-04:00

On my way back from visiting Vivace on September first, I was hanging out in the Orlando airport for a few hours. A lady kept looking at me and finally asked, "Do I know you?" I assured her I doubted it but offered a few possible connections to avoid any embarrassment for her, "deaf community? Gardner-Webb University? military community?" Nope, she apologized for bothering me, I went back to my book.

Later, I put the book down and took off my light weight jacket and stretched my legs and sat back down.

"OH!! I do know you!!! I do!!!" she exclaimed so loudly we then had several turned necks to see what she was so vocal about. "I DO know you, I knew I did! You are that Rooted In Love chick! The Rooted in Love blog lady?!?!? RIGHT! I knew it!"

"I.am.yes." I slowly hammer out, not sure if this is exciting or scary.

"Your shirt! I placed you because of your shirt!" she said and pointed to my T-shirt.

I was wearing THIS new birthday gift from one of my closest friends. Beth had found this and was thrilled it was an adoption fundraiser, had our verse on the back and of course the front is priceless.

The entire experience was comical and odd, my husband got the BIGGEST kick out of it. Even now I will bring dinner to the table and hear, "Oh my goodness, the Rooted In Love chick made us dinner!" or he will come back from working out and say, "Oh! Is that the Rooted In Love chick in my house?!?!" I may never hear the end of it...

...all I know is that it is ALL Beth's fault, and I LOVE the shirt!

It is official, again.....

2011-09-07T11:30:00.002-04:00

No judge, no fancy papers, no formal ceremony... "here ya go" said the lady behind the desk, as if I had not spent hundreds of dollars and countless hours preparing documents, submitting them, resubmitting, and traveling back and forth in and out of the court house for months...as if it was a receipt of sorts for "time served."
The "re-adoption" decree...a form I filled out months ago, is now finally stamped and signed and given back. The names the boys have been calling themselves and writing since January of 2009 are now legally theirs. Now we can pursue the change of "legal alien" to "citizen." More money, more forms, more waiting...reminds me of being "paper pregnant" with them: waiting, fundraising, forms, fees, more waiting, more fundraising, more forms, more fees.
It is bittersweet. I am reminded of how full of hope, love, dreams, excitement we were...how we LONGED for them to be here and part of the family. Two and half years later we still have the sting of RAD smacked across our faces and our hearts still long for one of them to take their place in the family.

Vivace visual update...

2011-09-04T12:30:00.000-04:00

...from my trip August 31 and Sept 1st.THANK YOU so much to everyone that has and continues to donate towards my trips down there. I appreciate your loving support so much during these very emotional trips and as we all pray for this journey to wind through the valley of healing.

32 years....

2011-09-03T22:56:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to me! You guys have been loving on me all day on facebook with such sweet notes and dropping by to say 'Happy Birthday' on my wall...emails, cards, phone calls, donations in my name and more....thank you!!!

A word from Orlando....

2011-09-02T15:02:00.000-04:00

So much happening in my mind, trying to clear it and really focus. It is truly a challenge to not be consumed with "what ifs."

What if:
We can't navigate the insurance coverage to pick him up Nov 7th when TriCare ends?
Where will he go? He can't be in the house for his own safety? Who can take him? How long until he rages again? Then when he does, what do we do? How do we protect him and the other kids and even our own lives?
What if the insurance does pick him up? Will the new one require monthly trips? Will they be reimbursed? How will we pay for them? Who will watch the other kids?
What if he has to stay here for years? What if he ends up in jail? What if he never becomes stable?
What if he does become stable, can we be open to him coming back home? Can we receive him without defense and bitterness of the pain and agony caused? If he is stable will that change with puberty as the majority of other kids suffering from RAD? If he does will he become more of a sexual threat in the house? How will all of this impact the other kids?

So many questions, so many things up in the air...

I take a moment and just taking some deep breaths, I can't worry about him as a 20 something, or even a teenager, I can't even be worried about Christmas and the stimulation, if he is home, or the sadness if he isn't...I just have to focus on one thing....OK, maybe more than one thing, but definitely fewer than I have streaming through my head right now.

1) Above all else, regardless of adoption ethics and how the boys got to us and all the questions surrounding it-I have a heavenly assignment to advocate for them. That will come in many forms and many unexpected adventures will offspring from it, but regardless, I know that I have been gifted by God with experiences, resources, a supportive "Team Anderson," doctors, social workers, and numerous people I have yet to met. He will continue to supply my needs, regardless of what I think that should look like and what form it actually is presented to me, He does, and He will continue to do so. On the days therapeutic parenting seems overwhelming, I will still be advocating.

2) Insurance: our insurance will max out at 150 days (Nov 6th). It doesn't matter that he is not stable, his therapist and therapy team and therapeutic school all say he isn't ready...150 days is looming over my head and my heart. To break free from that chain of fear, I will focus all of my "Vivace time" on insurance, getting the documents, working the system, pleading, begging, praying for open doors. I will rework the energy of doubt and fear into productivity and faith.

Having just left Vivace...I have so much to process...both mornings I arrived, I had to wait 10 minutes to even see him because he was in time-out for a physically aggressive/violent act against his teacher.

Me: Why did you punch that teacher in the chest/neck?

Vivace: Because she told me to try the multiplication activity.

Me: Is it OK to hit people?

Vivace: No, never. Not acceptable.

Me: So next time something is frustrating or you don't understand it, you can ask for help.

Vivace: OK

Me: So tmrw when something frustrating happens in school, what will you do?

Vivace: Get mad and make people hurt.

Journey to Health: Monthly Results....

2011-09-02T14:54:00.000-04:00

We are officially registered for the Turkey Day Trot 5k! That was very exciting and motivating to be formally registered.

I hit a road block with the weight-loss. Scale isn't really moving at all. I have felt stuck. I was stuck, I am stuck. There is a specific number on the scale that freaks me out. It just does. Going below this number would REALLY solidify that I am doing this, all the way. Anything above this number keeps me safely in "struggling" to lose weight category....

I have spent the last few weeks really diving into the emotional connection to this "milestone" number. I got lost in trying to make sense of it, analyze my reaction, when did this begin, how can I possibly overcome it....I was consumed with making this make sense....
Then, a friend said something that clicked with me, "The longer you take figuring this out, the longer you stay in the "struggling" zone, so you are buying time in your comfort zone. If you can't get past a certain number, take the scale out of your house. Do what you know is right: eat clean, be active, sleep, train for the 5k and never get on a scale again."

Never looking at a scale again, isn't an option for me, however, temporarily removing the scale from the equation is definitely an option. My next weigh in will be November 24th! For the months of September, October and most of November- I am going to eat clean, be active, sleep and train for the 5k. Nov 24th I will weigh in again and update you on the numbers for the matching donations!

I feel this was exactly what I needed to hear at this juncture of the Journey to Health...it is a long road, but I know I will see it to completion, even if it is a slow pace.

One of the biggest positives of August was the clothing! I have lost 2 sizes on my tops and 1 on my bottoms and was able to donate clothes and also find some great clearance items to "hold me over" until the next size breakthrough! I have NEVER been a girl that enjoyed clothes shopping or trying on outfits to find just the perfect combination. It isn't my thing. However, there was extreme freedom in getting rid of clothes I have been in and out of for over 7 years! They are gone and I am not holding onto them because I am NOT going back...simple as that.

Donors: Save up your change and lose bills! Nov 24th is the next weigh in! The same day we are running the 5k! Thank you for your support! It means SO MUCH to me!

Busy avoiding Irene....

2011-08-30T21:38:00.000-04:00

...Etude was determined not to miss school. He stayed with his teacher (my friend) and was well prepared to be without electricity for a few days if needed. We were determined to not experience a hurricane, so we headed inland! A quick Tennessee weekend and back home again, safe and sound.

Calm before the storm?...

2011-08-26T00:12:00.000-04:00

...hopefully Irene is rumored to be worse than she actually will be, however, we have decided to evacuate. We are heading back towards Tennessee until we see what Irene does and how much flooding is left behind, along with roads being washed out. Be safe, everyone!

Wash off, wash on...

2011-08-23T17:35:00.001-04:00

There are several times in the midst of the last 2.5 years of craziness and chaos, that I have just wanted to take a long, hot, shower. Soaking in a tub would be a great fantasy as well. It never happened in the last 7 months. Hubby being deployed and Vivace in a rage/downward spiral that started last fall and hasn't fully stopped yet, left me with little time to even think about taking a slow, warm shower.
Recently, in my journey to health, my friend Christina got me hooked on Mary Kay face washing system. I love the way my skin feels, and the smells are not over powering for the asthmatics in the family. It is refreshing and I look forward to that five minutes of self-pampering. It feels wonderful and serves as a tangible reminder that I am washing away the old, ready to start fresh again.

I have been dealing with the insurance argument of "who pays" for the RTC after the 150 day mark, when he still is a danger to himself and others. After seemingly endless calls, emails, meetings...I was so ready to "restart" my morning that I decided I would do just that. I grabbed a washcloth from the fresh pile my husband had just blessed me with and did the facial routine. Deep breath and I really am beginning to feel refreshed, I cover my face with the washcloth and was knocked off my feet with emotions. I literally stumbled back a few steps, and grabbed for something to balance me. Flashes of blood on the wall, poop on the sink, I couldn't even see my own image in the mirror. His eyes when they are filled with rage and the child is "gone" and only trauma and anger remain, his fist coming at my face, the smack across my arms, the bite on my leg, the pee stained walls, the broken window locks, his breath, his sound, his scream, his threats against me, his homemade weapons, my entire body felt weighted, almost as if held hostage to a horror movie I was not only having uncontrollably mentally flashing, but I was in and lived...THAT SMELL...my husband had unknowingly washed the towels and wash clothes in the detergent Vivace used for everything. It was the smell of the washcloth that brought everything involuntarily flooding in and knocking me off my feet for hours.

Secondary PTSD is real, PTSD is real, parenting a traumatized child effects the ENTIRE family.

And as much as I want to scream "THIS ISN'T FAIR! THIS HAS TO END!" I am also strongly convinced that what Vivace is suffering through from his trauma, neglect, and abuse, far out weighs anything I am experiencing in the "aftershocks" of parenting him.

************
UPDATE: I went grocery shopping without kids tonight. I really enjoyed the quiet, but it also felt strange. I am so accustomed to them being with me all the time. When I got home, my husband had removed ALL the clean towels and wash clothes from the bathroom, and was rewashing them in a different detergent. LOVE that man.

Journey to Health: Turkey with me....

2011-08-21T14:07:00.000-04:00

One of my goals for Journey to Health is to run a 5k, no walking...run a 5k. Running is like a superpower for me. It is something I long for, dream of, aspire to...it is a superpower like flying because it has been completely out of reach for so long.

Thanks to marvelous friends, I now know that goal IS within reach. It is a superpower that I WILL posses and eventually master as well.

My husband and I are running a Thanksgiving 5k together. A handful of friends have also committed to running a 5K (or more) in their local area that same week in honor of this milestone in Journey to Health. We are brainstorming how best to make matching T-shirts to celebrate this accomplishment. We want to invite you to find a local race that Thanksgiving week or weekend, and run with us. Let us know and we can figure out how to best get you a matching T-shirt also.

Thanksgiving is roughly 13 weeks away! You can do it! Couch to 5k offers a 9 week program, I am spreading that out a bit to make it more feasible for me. You can do it too! Leave me a comment or email and let me know your next milestone in your health, or better yet that you will celebrate with us by getting involved in your own local race that week.

Painfully Validating....

2011-08-18T10:52:00.001-04:00

"Mrs. Anderson, the last 28 days have shown Vivace to be excessively aggressive, both verbally and physically. He is often caught posturing as if he will fight and making aggressive facial gestures to provoke his peers. He has lifted his pencil as a weapon towards staff members, along with shoving, pushing, kicking and general aggressive stances. He is aggressively telling them "no" in their face before they even complete a simple request like, "please, sit properly." He started a fight because he felt he waited too long to have a turn to shower, he tosses the board game if he loses. He provokes, teases, and verbally harasses his peers. He finds every chance he can to insult and degrade them, and every chance he can to showboat and brag about his skills or intelligence. He refuses to attempt any school work that is the least bit challenging. He would rather create an aggressive diversion than struggle with a new concept. He often is caught in lies, manipulation and adult triangulation. He is acting entitled and is not very self aware. He is impulsive. We believe we are seeing his true behaviors as demonstrated in the home, now that therapy is getting into some deeper issues. The honeymoon period is over and he is realizing he will need to earn his way out of the facility by being responsible, attempting new tasks, being non-combative, receiving instruction without becoming aggressive, and making a genuine attempt at general relationships with peers, staff and family."

Etude's Post....

2011-08-14T19:50:00.000-04:00

"This day good. Dad good. Family happy. Dad good. Dad, North Carolina. Etude happy, smile dad. Dad black and muscles very big. Etude getting bigger. Etude tall as dad, maybe, I don't know. Etude Captain America clothes same as dad good American man."

Giocoso's post....

2011-08-14T19:39:00.001-04:00

Scherzo's post....

2011-08-13T23:40:00.000-04:00

"When daddy gets home I want to be the first one to hug him. And I want to take him to camp in with him and kiss him and show him my new toys. I want to play with him. I want to color with him and eat together with him. I am going to tickle him and tickle him until he can't talk.
I am many days excited and many days sad. Now I am so so so excited"

Today, everything feels a little closer to right....

2011-08-13T23:39:00.000-04:00

Primo's post.....

2011-08-13T20:27:00.001-04:00

"Today I am wearing red, white and blue. {Seven months} ago I was wearing sad feelings. I missed him before he left, I knew he was leaving. I thought he would come back not very soon and it made me very sad. It happened, and I was so sad, I cried.

March 12 I had a birthday and my daddy was not there. The whole time was fun but sad too because there was no my daddy. Because I think he would have liked being at the aquarium with me. And I felt a little better because he called me at the aquarium but I still wish he were at the aquarium with me and everyone. I would have wanted to show him my little birthday sea turtle and I would have wanted to share it with my daddy.

I wish he was there when we went to Tennessee, that is what I wished for. I would have wished that daddy was also here to um... everything, he could like help us paint. He could teach us how to ride bikes, he could have been doing that stuff, but he had to go over there.

I think that daddy would have probably have played with us when we were scared and mommy had to take care of Vivace. If daddy was in the house then Vivace might not have hurt mommy at all or not as much. Daddy is very strong. That is what I think, but I don't know, because daddy was over there.

Now I feel REALLY EXCITED and when he comes home I want to be the first one out of the car and I want to jump up and hug him and kiss him and squeeze him like he is a stuffed animal with no real human bones you see on X-rays. I want to play with him and paint with him, when he comes. I want him teach us to ride bicycles and scooters and I don't know anything, just anything with daddy is fun. Computer is fun with daddy, more fun than normal.

I am excited we will wear red, white and blue tutu and ribbons. I also can't wait because I have a glow wand. We all have glow wands! Etude has a glow sword! I am going to be daddy's red, white, blue princess!

My heart will feel very much gooder when I see daddy and know he is really, really, really, finally, really, home with us. I also think if my heart could talk it would say "I am happy you are home" but it would say it in heart language we don't understand.

Maybe I will also ask him for a pet..."

$60,000--$75,000...

2011-08-13T01:12:00.000-04:00

is what we would need to finish out Vivace's stay at his RTC after the insurance times out (150 day limit, no exceptions). Everyone in Vivace's circle realize he needs more time, a few more months...insurance has a very strict 150 day limit. Even if the child is a known threat to himself and others....150 days is the limit.
Wednesday he earned a reward! He was able to go on a communications field trip to McDonald's and learn how to be independent, appropriately order his own food. He kept it together a few days to be able to go, but as soon as the reward was no longer dangling like a carrot, he immediately went back to violence and breaking rules. That is his norm: hold it together for a few days or a week to gain a reward, then loses it completely without active cause. He did this when the school staff verbally praised him for his work in school, next day he was wrecking the classroom.

Yes, I am praying to THE Healer...but, Vivace has to want it. I don't think he does yet. Right now he is too violent to come home, yet the insurance deadline is looming...what are families like ours suppose to do?? Really? What?!?

Unfortunately, there are many families like our situation. Believing for restoring and preparing to protect the other children, fighting for services that we can't afford....

...pray for all of us.

They are up to something.....

2011-08-11T23:21:00.000-04:00

...they are writing this weekend's blogpost. They are really excited about their turn to "tell it, on the computer!"

Etude's escape....

2011-08-11T23:12:00.000-04:00

...always building or drawing.

What big sisters do to the little sister...

2011-08-11T21:29:00.000-04:00

...it could be worse.

18 months old.....

2011-08-10T10:19:00.000-04:00

pics by my sweet friend Beth....they make my heart soar.

So yummmy...

2011-08-06T00:54:00.000-04:00

...she fell asleep eating it.

"What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love and Healing"...

2011-08-05T00:21:00.000-04:00

Bruce D. Perry, MD, PhD and Maia Szalavitz have written a collections of stories from "a child psychiatrist's notebook" and titled the book: The Boys Who Was Raised as a Dog." I know what you are thinking, "Jillian, I can't read a book about a boy raised in such horrible conditions."
First, only 1 or 2 chapters are about him. Secondly, this book will give you SO MUCH usable, insightful knowledge it would be worth losing your appetite to read, even if it was solely about the boy raised as a dog.

I think all teachers, care givers, parents, social workers, therapist, family, friends that have even ONE child from a trauma or neglect background can benefit from this book.

"...I found that every single one of these boys--without exception--had experienced severe trauma or abuse. The vast majority had had at least 6 major traumatic experiences. All of these children had been born into and raised with chaos, threat and trauma. They were incubated in terror." p.35

"...If a system is overloaded--worked beyond capacity--the result can be profound deterioration, disorganization and dysfunction..." p.41

"...but both the seeming unpredictability and the nature of her behaviors made complete sense. Her brain was trying to protect her based upon what it had previously learned about the world." p47

"Though we all "perform" for others to some extent, the mask slips easily for those who have suffered early neglect.....Like people who learn a foreign language late in life, Virgina and Laura will never speak the language of love without an accent." p98

"...Ted had a problem much deeper than occasional fainting. He had a dissociative disorder that had deeply affected his ability to deal with emotional and physical challenges." p193

"...as a result, recovery from trauma and neglect is also all about relationships--rebuilding trust, regaining confidence, returning to a sense of security and reconnecting to love." p 231-232

It is a must read.

Journey to Health: Monthly Results....

2011-08-01T06:30:00.001-04:00

In July I gained 4 pounds, and then re-lost them...so basically coming out even....It is disappointing, but for now I am focusing on the noticeable improvements....I am looking healthier, the scale doesn't have to move (right now) for me to know this is truth....I am feeling it. More energy, more life enjoyment in general....maybe I hit a weight plateau, maybe I just need to push harder, but progress is evident.

I don't know about you, but....

2011-07-28T22:29:00.002-04:00

I think both of these people look a lot healthier.....just saying.

Visiting Vivace: Friendship....

2011-07-25T07:39:00.002-04:00

Look at our handsome son and his beautiful friend! Isn't he looking, dare I say the word....HEALTHIER?!?! He had a very special visit from T's family. T and Vivace were in the care center in Ethiopia at the same time. Her parent's were in our travel group and we also got to spend time with them last summer when we drove up to the Creation Museum. They have 5 children that are all beautiful/handsome and loving.
I am also going to visit Vivace this week, and my friend Shalon is going along as well. We have an IEP meeting, family therapy, and visitation all scheduled. Shalon has been his primary teacher and case manager for the base schools. She is fluent in ASL and very knowledgeable in the SPED and sensory worlds. She also loves God and is believe and speaking healing for Vivace. She recently took Etude to her church, interpreted for him and had him join her family for lunch, so I could catch a breath.
I am so thankful for my amazing friends!

His Primary insurance runs out in November, regardless of progress, and we are looking into secondary insurance coverage, as/if needed. RAD/PTSD isn't something you typically "move on" from in 6 months or less. We have anticipated he would need to be there for a year. We actually have no idea. He has made lots of progress in some areas, and very, very little in others. The RTC team have the very difficult job of determining if he is still a threat to himself and others, regardless of any behaviors, such as stealing, he may still exhibit.

Please pray for us, our trip, Vivace.....connection and attachment in general. His behaviors to be clear, so we can be prepared for whatever the next step needs to be.

Hmmm, this isn't normal....

2011-07-25T07:37:00.001-04:00

Etude's shoes....

It is the simple things in life....

2011-07-25T00:14:00.000-04:00

What adoption dreams are made of....

2011-07-24T23:48:00.001-04:00

Journey to Health: Mirror Mirror On the Wall....

2011-07-21T23:44:00.000-04:00

This is my motivational wall, inspired by Rosie Molinary's vision boards. If you read any of Journey to Health, you know it has been YEARS since we have had a full length mirror in the house, YEARS. I wanted to be sure that in hanging one up, I didn't use it to beat myself up. I put up quotes that friends have given me through magnets, cards, emails, verses and things I have found that inspire me. If you are on a Journey to Health, I encourage you to make sure you are your best friend during the process, not your worst enemy or a verbal bully. Love yourself through it.

Rooted in Love Acdmy: Science Project Fun....

2011-07-21T22:02:00.000-04:00

Construction paper taped to the ground, but the wind was blowing them away. Rocks were added to secure the papers.

Sunscreen hand prints...

End result after several hours outside....the shade of the rocks protected the color of the paper slightly, but the sunscreen did a better job.

Primo used her journal to document the event, drawing the papers and writing her hypothesis and the end result.

Journey to Health: TN.....

2011-07-19T07:38:00.000-04:00

I always feared the day you would see me in town
I always feared the way your stare would make me feel
Lost again?
Freshly destroyed?
Raw?
Violated?
It hung over my head like a dark cloud
It hunger over my heart like a dagger waiting to strike

Does time heal all wounds, or just make things clearer?

You entered the store,
My heart was pounding wildly,
There was no urge for flight, just fight.

I had always feared this day, when you held something over me,
Always feared running into you,
Here we stand, hyper-aware of each others' presence,

But my feet don't flee,
My eyes don't divert,
My body doesn't slump,
My head doesn't hang,

I don't hold that secret anymore,
I have drank in the waters of freedom,
Disclosed my pain and was rewarded with strength,

Our eyes meet,
your face reads like a cheater hiding behind his lousy hand of cards,
your breathing pattern changes,
your body is rigid with tense muscles

and I realize,
This time, I am not the one living in fear,

You are....

You did the unthinkable, I didn't
You violated innocence, I didn't
You destroyed, I didn't

I will never forget your forceful whispering, "this is what you get for dating a n*gg*r!"

Well, I just wanted to be sure you knew,
I married that boy,
I had his babies,
we grew our family,
we laugh together,
love together,
are one together,
and your single act of violence, couldn't touch it.

Can.not.touch.it.

TN: A little more of this and a little more of that....

2011-07-18T09:51:00.000-04:00

TN: A little of this and a little of that....

2011-07-18T09:18:00.000-04:00

Journey to Health: Your turn...

2011-07-14T08:21:00.000-04:00

My best friend Christina teaches band to middle school kids in SC. They had written essays about what music means to them. One girl was very insightful and noted that sometimes when she is sad, she plays a slower or sad song to accompany the mood. However, sometimes when she is sad she would play gospel or something upbeat to help change her mood.

I think we all understand that music has an effect on most people, a strong one. When you are working out you will naturally shift towards the beat, so many people play faster music while working out. Music can have a mood altering effect by the words, the beat, the rhythms all coming together.

I just finished reading "The Boy that was Raised as a Dog" and I will do a full review in the coming days, but it talked about music therapy. Finding a beat or rhythm and copying it, for children that did not have a natural rhythm this can be key to them establishing a new norm or even calming, self calming appropriately. It also talked about our natural inclination to rock/bounce a crying baby at the same heart rate/beat it heard in the womb. All very fascinating stuff!

I am making a playlist for me, as I am training to run a 5K in November and am on the walking path and elliptical more. I want to know what songs do you have on your workout or walk playlist? What keeps you moving and going? Or what comes on the radio and makes you want to pull your car out of traffic and dance? I will share my playlist once it is complete...what are some of your top favorites?

Can't wait for him to see this one in action...

2011-07-14T08:09:00.000-04:00

So glad to be on this end of deployment...it has been a long hard year, he left in January. The baby has gone from a "hand baby" to walking, climbing, self-feeding, tattle-telling, little person....she is hilarious and while I am so sad at everything he has missed, I am so thankful the deployment is wrapping up over the next couple months. He will be really in awe of how they have all grown. Can't wait for the kids to get some good ol "daddy time."

Love my babies...

2011-07-12T11:40:00.000-04:00

Devil of a time....

2011-07-09T10:59:00.001-04:00

We recently came back, just days ago, from a long vacation. We spent most of it at my parents' house in Tennessee, in the town where I grew up.
People here are telling me how wonderful and refreshed I look, how calm I am...complimenting the kids for looking brighter and being more sociable. The entire atmosphere in our house is different. We were virtually living in a domestic violence situation with Vivace's rage and violence.
I have been reading books about what happens to the brain during trauma, especially the developing brain to better understand him, but instead was seeing how everything we lived out over the last 2 plus years could be impacting all the other children and their development. People have shamed me and said horrible things about our decision to place Vivace in an RTC temporarily while we seek respite and he benefits from intensive therapy. I have mainly been able to block it out, because they have never walked in my flip flops.

To be honest, we were doing great. We got back, we were unified as a family, looking forward to more visits from family and friends over the coming weeks, and eventually Ashley coming back home. We began making a schedule of fun events each week, we went bowling...Journey to Health was going well, I was walking and really ready to attack the Couch to 5K challenge and workouts.

Etude was playing with some friends, he was riding his hotwheels/bike toy and wiped out. My neighbor called me since I was walking 2 blocks over and I came to see the aftermath. There was blood and seemed to be some glass or a rock stuck under his skin in the palm of his hand. We packed up the car, the kids, the diaper bag, some juice boxes and headed to the ER. I couldn't get whatever it was out myself and ensure it was clean.

The kids mostly behaved very well, we signed-in, he got an X-ray then we waited...it got dark, and as we sat quietly negativity began crawling all over me. It was just in May that I was exactly here, alone, in the dark, at one of the worst times of my life. I was unsure if they would hold Vivace, unsure if he could ever come home again, I was depressed, beaten down, and empty. The blood, the violence, the aggression, the threats and no medical staff able to help, all came rushing back to me...

I believe in spiritual warfare and I felt like the devil just smacked me in the face. I felt attacked with the past to prevent moving on in the future...I felt numb, powerless...I felt ashamed for what all my kids had been exposed to and how long it went on, I felt naive for adopting older children, for "falling for" the sweet smile in the picture...I wanted to eat, binge to be exact. I wanted this pain to go away, I wanted to not feel like I had been ran over by a semi truck and made into an example of what not to do in parenting...I needed a release.
We could be HERE for hours...I felt the panic start to overcome me.

I took a deep breath and repeated mentally, God I am empty, fill me up. God, I am empty, fill me up. God, I am empty fill me up. God, I am empty, fill me up.
It is all I had, no magical verse, no deep thoughtful prayer, just matter of fact....I got nothing, but You.

Giocoso reached for me, she needed her diaper changed, I was thankful for the distraction...as I put her back in the seat I see Primo signing to Etude. Her signs are not fluent but they understand each other, much like twins have their own language....

Primo: You see doctor, doctor help, finish, then go HOME, here OK? Home, here.
Etude: (smiling) Yes home here, you
Primo: Florida, no, North Carolina, yes.

I asked Primo what they were talking about...and she said, "I know Etude's brain works different than ours, so I keep telling him that he is staying in NC. I don't want him to be confused. Vivace made blood and went to the ER and then went to Florida, I want Etude to not be scared. I want him to know it was an accident and he did nothing wrong and he is staying in NC with us."
She reached over and held his hand, Scherzo follows Primo's lead and sits next to Etude resting her head on his shoulder, he grins ear to ear.

Vivace's rage and violence didn't destroy Primo's development. It made her more compassionate and sensitive.

Take that Devil.

Primo played doctor and Scherzo was the nurse, as Etude, Giocoso and I all took turns being sick and getting various remedies, like sticking our foot in oatmeal, or sniffing a Lily. We giggled. We laughed. We played.

Numbing shots were required before they could dig out the glass...this was the only time Etude cried. I was holding Giocoso on my hip and rubbing his leg with my other hand. Primo wondered allowed, "If Etude's Ethiopian mom was here, would she be rubbing his other leg with you?" I assured her that she would, she loves Etude, like we do. Primo added, "I bet she is happy to know you love Etude and we do too."

Happy 10th Birthday Vivace!

2011-07-08T09:52:00.001-04:00

We love you!

I love her spirit and laughter...

2011-07-07T10:48:00.001-04:00

Journey to Health: Monthly Results....

2011-07-02T23:30:00.001-04:00

Goodbye June!

I am excited to finally see July. When Ashley left in January, I thought the summer and fall would never come! He should be home around August or September! It could be NEXT month! Oh, happy day!
So first the monthly result is that I broke even. No real loss or gain. I am 0.5 heavier, and I am not counting half a pound! I am OK with it...made peace with it...and am looking at what can be learned from it. July WILL BE double digits....you can bank on it!

Positives:
*I returned, in a better emotional state than I ever have, to the place where I was assaulted.(TN)
*I bought a dress.
*I bought a bathing suit.
*I found and read a letter I wrote myself around November of last that, it was very therapeutic.
*I have made great progress in finding my true voice (without anger or apology).
*I have been away from home the ENTIRE month! (still am!) and I only gained 1/2 a pound!
*I was able to give-back to the people/place that got me started signing, by giving an ASL workshop!
*I discovered how taking care of your face can make you feel beautiful! (Thanks Christina!)
*Read "The boys that was raised as a dog." A must read, if you have a Vivace in your life!
*Met with a friend who was able to fill in some blanks I have in my memory. Unfortunately, when you block a time period out because of a negative event, you also block out the good during that time.

Negatives:
*I have not exercised much at all.
*Mt. Dew has made its appearance in and out all month.
*Negative self-talk began creeping in while I face the battles of 'yesteryears.'
*Ate out more and didn't always make the appropriate calorie choices.
*I was sick at least 2 weeks of the month.

Looking ahead to July:
*I return home next week!
*I am feeling called a new(ish) direction in life and I will begin researching it.
*I created a new workout, homeschool, projects schedule for all of us.
*I will get to see Vivace again! (Thank you for donating!)
*It will be double digits! (I have a plan! I am looking forward to starting it!)

Many people have asked if I would share specific numbers like sizes and weight and such. I do plan to, I am not yet...I have a set goal I want to reach first, then I plan to "spill the beans" on all of it!

Thank you so much for your support! If you need to get "caught up" click the tab at the top of the page that says "Journey to Health: Sponsors." The updates, how to give, links to past monthly reports are all there.

Thanks!

Dear Vivace....

2011-06-27T00:07:00.000-04:00

This is the longest we have ever been apart, since we first saw you in Ethiopia. I am so full of emotions as I think about the paper pregnancy to even get to the point of referral and seeing your handsome face. Only to have to wait longer before finally meeting you face to face...I remember how timid and scared you were...how I longed to be able to tell you that your pain was over. Only now, I realize that would have been a lie...you are still in pain, still hurting so deep you want to hurt others. I wonder what you thought America would be like, even Ashley and I specifically...I wonder what triggered you to believe we couldn't love you as you were...your past? your pain? ....

I feel you have so many things locked inside you are scared to let out, scared for us to know....scared to move forward. I believe moving forward is harder then living in the trauma and pain of the past, because at least that was familiar and you were able to survive it, right? Why trust love, something new and unpredictable...what a risk that must feel like for you.
I don't know how to take your pain away, and the more I read and learn, the more I know I can't. It breaks me....but even more so, it must be an unbearable daily burden for you...

I know you have little reason to trust anyone....but if you ever wanted to ask us what exactly we thought of your past, we would tell you it is over, it is gone, it doesn't define you or control you, you can move away from or keep as much as you want. You are on control of what you bring forward into your future.

Even right now, I am battling back for my health from being raped over a decade ago...I am just realizing that I have let the past control and limit parts of my present and future because of fear and pain. I gave it too much power...it took a night and some innocence and I gave it over a decade.
I know you don't trust me with your heart yet, but if if I can just have your hand, we can take a step forward....just one, then two...when you aren't strong enough, let me carry you...and when I am not, He will carry us.

That is what love is: a bridge to the other side...my love is not perfect, but I offer it to you anyway...maybe together we can walk across the bridge of perfect Love that cast our fear and into healing....

Don't cry....

2011-06-22T10:46:00.000-04:00

...we are on vacation. We will back to blogging and keeping you posted on Vivace's progress(and lack of) and all about our adventures and of course several pictures to post when we get back to NC. Thanks for the concerned emails, the blog is quiet for a good reason....we are enjoying respite and relaxation. We have traveled to our hometown in TN and were gifted a week in Hilton Head Island, then we will head back to TN for a bit before returning to NC to visit with some friends and then home to get Etude ready for summer school program on base. We will return soon!

Visiting Vivace...

2011-06-14T09:19:00.001-04:00

In the craziness of everything many people are asking when/how we will get to see Vivace and how they can help.
First, I want to say THANK YOU for being so supportive of this VERY difficult time for us. I would say 90% of the responses have been positive, supportive and empathized with the trauma our family has been living through the last 2 years. I am so grateful!

I will be traveling monthly to visit Vivace and attend family counseling and attachment counseling with him, along with just seeing him in general. These trips will be 1-2 days each month. I have to fly there, take a cab from the airport to the facility, sometimes get a hotel room, and then use the cab and flight to get home again....and food and parking and blah blah.... Insurance will reimburse most of each monthly trip. However, there is a significant lapse of time between the visits and reimbursements.

Many of you have asked if you could help, we created a ChipIn button on the right side of the blog. My best friend Christina will be managing the funds donated. We set a goal of $1100 so that 2-3 trips could occur before the insurance back pays the money spent. Once Vivace graduates the program and the monthly trips are done, the fund will be donated to Children's Hope Chest. (The same group my Journey to Health is raising funds to support.)

Thank you so much for considering helping us during these monthly trips!!

Prayers for Vivace's Healing....

2011-06-11T20:37:00.000-04:00

As I am still catching my breath from the last 2+ years of living in Vivace's trauma, I realize that in the world of RAD, it is hard to not become doubtful that they will progress. The rage is so intense, the behaviors so erratic, the family tries EVERYTHING and feels like no progress is made...RAD is not an easy thing for anyone in the family to process.

I KNOW that God CAN heal. I do. I also know that sometimes healing doesn't happen, because we live in an imperfect world...but somewhere between the bruises, the blood, the walls smeared with poop, the lies, the stealing, the verbal abuse, I have come to the conclusion he won't be healed. Maybe because he doesn't want it, or maybe because RAD is such an UGLY monster it is overwhelming....or maybe because I am sinful person and it is easier to give up and live in defeat than to wear out my knees in prayers and my eyes with tears.

So I am falling on my face and crying, "Father God, take away MY bitterness, take away MY doubt, fill me with YOUR hope, even in the darkness." I am asking you to pray for Vivace, and if you are willing, leave a prayer in the comments that I can come back to on my hard(er) days. I can lean on your faith when mine is playing "hard to find" in the trauma and chaos.

I have realized that his RAD and trauma may never be healed...but I will die praying for his healing, loving him, and leaning on Christ for my next breath. I don't control the outcome or the success or failure of his future, I control MY spirit, MY willingness to forgive, MY actions....and I will die knowing that I walked in faith, regardless of the outcome....I walked in faith and prayed for healing.

Pray with me....believe with me...because God is most definitely bigger than RAD.

Job Opening: Interpreter! NC

2011-06-10T18:26:00.000-04:00

Link to fulljob advertisement and instructions on how to apply are HERE

Summary:
Job Title: Sign Language Interpreter

Department: Department Of Defense

Agency: Defense Education Activity

Sub Agency: DDESS

Job Announcement Number: 11-CLJ-055

SALARY RANGE:	$38,790.00 - $50,431.00 /year
OPEN PERIOD:	Friday, June 10, 2011 to Monday, June 20, 2011
SERIES & GRADE:	GS-1001-07/07
POSITION INFORMATION:	Multiple schedules; Permanent
DUTY LOCATIONS:	1 vacancy - Camp Lejeune, NC
WHO MAY BE CONSIDERED:	All interested candidates. Must be a U.S. citizen to be considered.

Applicants who applied to vacancy announcement 10-CLJ-206 and/or 11-CLJ-039, Sign Language Interpreter, MUST reapply to this current announcement for Sign Language Interpreter to be considered.

Journey to Health: Monthly Results....

2011-06-02T10:00:00.000-04:00

I am in Tennessee with my parents for some much needed respite and vacation. However, I wanted to jump on here quickly and give you the results. As you know May was very emotional with Vivace's ER visit and admission to a RTC. I picked back up my Dew addiction while traveling and not being able to eat...I am proud to say I am Dew free again! (No, it isn't easy at all! I know it is worth it!)
I lost 4 pounds in the month of May, but to be extremely honest it was only the last 7-10 days. Before that my weight stayed the same. I still see this as a victory because of the emotional process, change in schedule, etc...and NOT gaining. I realize I am dealing with stress in a different way, to be able to not gain during such an emotional time period, a new healthier way! I am proud of these 4 pounds!

Sponsors! THANK YOU so much for your encouraging comments, emails, text, and facebook posts! You guys mean so much to me!

Dear "Speech Jess"....

2011-05-30T21:06:00.000-04:00

I had so much I wanted to tell you, and could not even find the words. You are a friend and support that I never saw coming, one of God's amazing surprises. Looking back over the 28 months the boys have been with us, I know that I could NOT have done it without you. Every week you would refresh me with your sweet spirit, you encouragement, and your understanding. Often, when I felt lost in a sea of "did that just happen" you were there to pull me out.
You are so much more than a Speech-Language Therapist. You are a friend, respite, cheerleader, voice of reason, and second pair of eyes(with a huge heart). When Ashely was deployed and I was navigating the "post adoption parenting" with a myriad of challenges and unique circumstances, you always stood firmly by my side. Often reassuring, but also willing to redirect my focus if I got off track. I remember countless times I would come into your office and feel like I was back at day one with behaviors and you could remind me of what day one really was like and how far we have come. You have spent countless hours caring for, providing therapy, loving on, researching for, emailing, and phoning on behalf of or directly to my family.

May you always be valued for your unique skills set, may your precious family always be surrounded by a network of supporters...and may you always know that you are loved and cherished by our family. You have made a huge impact on all of us, and we are forever extremely grateful.

With Love,

Letter from daddy to Primo....

2011-05-29T09:17:00.000-04:00

...she read it by herself, almost entirely.

Etude is thriving....

2011-05-27T12:23:00.000-04:00

The baby....

2011-05-27T12:09:00.000-04:00

...is doing fabulous with her physical therapy.

Oh Duh......

2011-05-25T09:21:00.000-04:00

I JUST figured out how to be able to respond directly to your comments(if you are logged in) instead of leaving a comment on the blog that you might never go back and read....

I so love hearing from you guys and have never been sure the best way to respond to the comments...and this whole time it has been super simple, I had no idea.

It is the little things sometimes :)

Journey to Health: Moment of Truth...

2011-05-23T21:43:00.000-04:00

My recycling bin speaks volumes...my addiction to Dew resurfaced in the ER and the craziness of the days that followed up to Vivace getting admitted to a facility in Florida. It has stayed around since....while this past month I have focused more on sleeping with both eyes closed, a deep REM sleep, taking time for me, processing some extremely heavy emotions and learning to call on my village...I also allowed this to stick around longer than it should have...so I am coming clean, as I begin detox(yes, I said detox!) from Dew tomorrow. The headaches will come, the afternoon "blahs" as well, but in 3-5 days, I will be SO glad and SO proud, I am taking care of me in this very tangible way.

Rooted in Love Acdmy: Art...

2011-05-20T14:04:00.000-04:00

by Primo

How is Etude handling all of this?.....

2011-05-17T19:32:00.000-04:00

That is one of the most asked questions since the news broke about Vivace's Fight for Victory over Trauma and everything that has happened since....
Many people worried that Etude would think Vivace was "sent away" or that he was next, etc...I can understand those worries, but we have VERY much taken the road of over explaining for these reasons. Etude has serious language limitations in both expressive and receptive areas. However, his artwork often tells a complex story that his words and signs fail to express. Even more so are his actions...

Etude has really stepped out of his shell. He is showing more personality, expressing opinion and interest without being asked, the same type of things that we use to drag out of him. WHICH COLOR DO YOU WANT?!?! He know volunteers freely without prompting.
He has stepped into a big brother role and is PRECIOUS with the baby and his sisters. He has a bounce in his step. Vivace always targets myself and Etude and while we have always been VERY careful to monitor their interactions, due to bullying and aggression, when Vivace is raging it is in the air, the cut of his eyes, his stance and Etude was very sensitive to Vivace's moods and cycles. It had taken a toll on all of us, Etude included.

I believe that the events that have happened over the last week have built trust with Etude. We have told them again and again, that families do not hurt each other, families protect each other. We have taught them cause and effect from simple spills to emotional rages and outburst. Shalon (SPED Teacher and my friend) asked Etude, "Where is Vivace?" Etude answered, "Vivace, wrong, blood, blood, hurt, hurt, (must)stop! Hospital stay, stay, stay. Hurt finish, come home can!" Shalon questioned further by asking, "Vivace is still an Anderson? Still your brother?" Etude responded, "Yes! Will home, later, hurt stop."

Etude understands that Vivace is getting help. He understands that hurting yourself and your family is not acceptable and that Ashley and I will keep him safe. He is doing really well, blossoming in ways we didn't expect to see for months. He is a sweetheart and a delight to be around, we are enjoying this time with him as he is finally feeling safe to let his personality shine.

Fighting for Vivace's Victory over Trauma...(FAQ)

2011-05-16T09:53:00.000-04:00

1.) Do you have contact with him?
Yes! We talk on the VP(videophone) twice a week and also have family therapy through the VP once a week. We can write letters as well.

2.) Is this permanent placement? How long will he be there?
This is technically a 30 day hold. After that the therapist and insurance will update on his status every 2 weeks.The insurance is expected to "max out" around 6 months. We expect him to need at least 6 months, if not more.

3.) What happens if he needs longer after the insurance runs out?
We will cross that bridge when we come to it. If he is still a threat to himself and others, I can't imagine they legally can release him...

4.) How is he doing?
He looks good on the videophone. He is still in "honeymoon" as he has been there less than a week. We expect behaviors to arise as the newness wears off.

5.) Does he have an Interpreter?
This place is specifically for the deaf population with mental illness and emotional challenges. Almost every staff, doctor, therapist signs. Many are deaf themselves.

6.) What about school?
They have a charter school on site. He is attending school with his peers.

7.) Are you guys disrupting or rehoming?
No. We are seeking intensive therapeutic help for our son.

8.) How are the other kids?
They are good overall. We have spoken very openly about "Vivace" getting help so he can be an active part of our family and stop hurting himself and others. They all pray for him to be healed from his trauma, they all miss him but want him to get better. We attend a family therapy session here locally as well for them to process some of what they have been exposed to as well as myself as the parent.

9.) Can you visit him?
Yes. Once a month.

One of Etude's favorite things to do....

2011-05-15T22:07:00.000-04:00

...Legos!

Fighting for Vivace's Victory over Trauma...(part seven)

2011-05-14T21:32:00.000-04:00

While I was at the ER the 4 back at home changed hands 3 times. 3 loving times. Vicki, Beth and my mom all came to the rescue despite their own schedules and responsibilities and made sure my other 4 were loved and cared for. My mom left work and drove 8 hours, arriving here at 2 am to hug my neck, and then get in bed with my babies, relieving Beth from an almost 24 hour string of care. When my kids were awake they were loved on when they were asleep she cleaned my home. She is family like that. Like the love of a sister or a mother, to serve you in your hour of need is her gift of love and support.

Tuesday morning the medical transport team arrives...ER bed to stretcher, stretcher to ambulance. An IV port in case an urgent need for sedation arises.
A drive to the airport in the back of the ambulance with my bag and my son and 2 medical personnel.
They are kind and generous, they are thoughtful and ask questions. They take their time and let me explain each step to Vivace. They show compassion on me when the back of the ambulance ride makes me sick...or maybe it is because I only have 4 hours of sleep in 48 hours, or that I can't hold down any food, maybe the level of adrenaline and stress? Or the bitter-sweetness of getting him help, means saying goodbye for a while...

The flight was short only a couple hours, he loved the attention and riding in a plane, he thought he was KING OF THE WORLD, and soaked it all in. (This is truly classic RAD.)

We arrive at the airport, transfer to another ambulance. I ride upfront in a feeble attempt to keep from staying sick. One o'clock brings check in, transferring from the medical transport team's custody to the facility in Florida. I have been in the ER since Sunday afternoon, still on 4 hours of sleep, still nothing but adrenaline in my stomach. I begin signing the papers, more papers than buying a house...then meetings, the Psych, the counselor, the admissions, the security team, the residential staff, the nurse, the Interpreters. Vivace is amped and excited, playing, showing off, talking almost non-stop, all this attention for him, he must be royalty (or RAD!)

The time has come to tell him he is staying, a private moment, my vulnerable heart, my weary feet, so cautious with my signs, the look in my eyes, so careful to reassure returning for him.

We tour the facility, dorm, cafeteria, pool, school, gym all set on a beautiful campus with a multitude of staff everywhere your eyes can see. Smiling faces, hopeful hearts. They have something I don't have, haven't had in almost 2 years....relief. They have "off" time when they go home or finish work, they come back renewed...they have life left in them...Tuesday around 5 pm our final goodbyes are said and reassurances given.

I walk off the gated campus with my bag, my empty stomach, my heavy heart...and I realize I need a minute or two or 120, before figuring out, how to get back home to my other children. I walk into the hotel next door...my name? Um... fatigue hits hard along with nausea....I am sure that I will shower and sleep in the quiet room...
1 hour
2 hours
3 hours pass....

...still awake, still dirty, still in shock as I realize that I always thought fighting for Vivace to get into the facility, for the insurance to get approved, for the signatures to be signed would be the HARDEST thing I ever did in my life...
...with only adrenaline holding my empty body up, a wave of loss almost knocks me off my feet....not getting him here, LEAVING him here is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Fighting for Vivace's Victory over Trauma...(part six)

2011-05-14T21:02:00.001-04:00

Sunday 4pm, it is all a blur...
hanging up the phone, hand still trembling, adrenaline filling my body
ambulance, MPs, fire engine
no one knows what to do with a deaf child
ride with us? No! I say, EMS questing the ride with a deaf child
Base hospital, 3 in a row, ambulance, my van, the MPs
Momma on the phone listening to me yell, curse?, I don't even know
Crying, crying, crying, crying, screaming
WHY did it have to get to this point?! WHY!
It is the right thing, she assures me, it is, deep breath.

ER arrival, EMS questioning, no one knows what RAD is, no one.
MPs waits, papers to be filled out, spouse? is your spouse here? contact number for a spouse?
Afghanistan, he is in Afghanistan.
EMS questions, Nurses reactions, Mental Health ignorance
Where is the guard at the door? There should be a guard!
1 on 1! Why? self injuries and threatening others
Oh, but look he is cute and precious, yes because he has an audience, it is called RAD.
I can not take him, home. He is a threat, he has to go to the local psych for minors or something, something.
Nurses in and out, Interpreter? No, we don't know how to get one, the wait could be long.
Where is the guard at the door?

Hysteria, crying, screaming: I AM DONE DOING YOUR JOB FOR YOU!
MP called for mom, not self injurious child, mom-crying and hysterical, mom needs an MP
Mom didn't beat herself up, mom didn't threaten any one's life(just their jobs), but mom has the MP.
Hours, calls, officer on duty-young and ignorant-making things worse.
No
one
listening
Mom has documentation, mom has doctor list, head of the hospital knows, call him!

I have 4 more at home, I can't be here all night, he needs a guard, he needs....
Child abandonment charges if I leave the hospital to check on my other 4? what?!?!
Vivace, mellow, playing the part, lapping up the attention like a thick rich milkshake
Mom calling the doctors, voicemails, Mother's Day, no one answering, no one listening...

My dear sweet friend Shalon arrives and I almost collapse in her embrace...
One person to validate my tears, my hysteria, my rants...

Sweet old grandfather type doctor, asking what he can do...
Florida, the place is in Florida, he has to go, he has to, they accepted him March 8th, signature
He can't go on like this, how can I keep him safe from himself?
A doctor in the ER can't fix the paperwork bottleneck, nothing happening tonight...
nothing, maybe we can get a guard on the door.

Crisis Management team arrives, assesses, consults, agrees, psych placement for hold...
Tmrw a bed will be open, tmrw we will have a safe place for him, tmrw.....

18 hours pass, no bed, yes a bed, no we don't have a bed...high-ups involved,
social worker, head of this department, of head of that, we are sorry for this and for that,
cracks, Interpreter fell through the cracks,
guard at the door for a psych hold, fell through the cracks,
No bed, no local place will take him...too acute, too extreme, deaf, no local psych will take him
but you did the right thing bringing him here.

Monday afternoon voicemails, no signal in the hospital ER, worried husband in Afghanistan,
high-up on base...message fading in and out "paperwork, on the...desk...waiting...signature...no timeline"
Hurried feet and khaki uniform scurry to the door-frame where I stand holding the phone JUST SO to get a signal...approved, she says, approved...
A bed at a local psych place? No better

THE SIGNATURE! Florida is approved, we don't know how, when, transportation, but approved, approved.....approved. Your son will get the help he needs.
It is Monday afternoon, bittersweet Monday, no sleep, no Mother's Day, no plan to get us there, but approved.
It is all a blur....

Fighting for Vivace's Victory over Trauma...(part five)

2011-05-14T19:00:00.001-04:00

We have a large table where we have school...Vivace could start there, then after aggression or threats or refusal to work, he would be moved to the smaller table in the same room. If that didn't deter him, then he would be moved to the table on the back porch. If he still refused to work or was aggressive he could run or take a nap and then was given the chance to 'start over.' This was DAILY, I remember thinking, 'can he make it at the table for just an HOUR one day, just an hour!?!?!'

He swings extreme, great big HIGHS, leaving us holding our breath for the crash....

...there is always a crash.

Vivace's crash on Mother's Day afternoon was a rage fit that included smacking himself in the face and nose repeatedly, while signing threats directed at me to the video monitor. The pain and trauma and anger in a child that can self inflict to this extent is beyond what we can do IN THE HOME for him. Attachment "experts" and naive adoptive parents will say, "How can you attach to the child, if they aren't in the home." Well, there comes a point, where the line is crossed and it is too toxic for everyone in the home. How can you attach to your attacker? Yes, in our minds we know it is trauma and fear....but when I said our lives have reached a point of being a well orchestrated set of movements to protect him from himself, I was not exaggerating.

I took a towel up to him and put him straight into the shower in hopes it would help calm his rage and histeria...I called the Crisis Management Team that the counseling office had given me as a "911" in these times of situations. I explained, "My 9 year old son is having a rage fit, he screamed and smacked himself repeatedly until his nose was gushing blood, I think it is just his nose. I need help, we need to get him help.I have 4 other kids in the house. He is in the shower now, what do I do if he isn't calm when he comes out?!"

"Ma'am, since he is a minor, we can't transport or medicate him. We can only do a "safe hold" and write up an assessment of the event. I am sorry, we just can't help you. We suggest you try someone else."

All the while his paperwork that every doctor that has met him signed off saying he needs "intensive therapeutic care in his primary language" is SITTING on someone's desk....because, apparently, he isn't "that bad yet" to rush it through. I wonder if that someone is having a good Sunday afternoon, if they called their mom and told her she was loved, or if they ate a picnic with their family or enjoyed a dinner out....I wonder how their Sunday afternoon was going and their Saturday too, as Vivace's papers sat on their desk...I wondered, if my Sunday would ever end.

What do you do? What do families do? When we write the adoption "experts" and they they give us generalized answers. When we try every therapy and program with no results. When our child can beat themselves up with their bare hands to the point of a bloody bed. When we call the people that are suppose to help us and no one answers. What are we to do? How far does it have to go?

Sunday afternoon, was as far as I was willing to let it go. What did they need, a suicide attempt?!?! He has already broken the locks on his 2nd story window and pushed the frame out, he already rages for hours...how long can he possibly hold on, can we possibly hold on...waiting for a signature. Waiting....

After calling the mental health facilities that could not help, I called a friend that works in mental health. She came over and kept my other 4, while Vivace showered and then went straight to bed and fell sound asleep(typical after rage fits.) I called the base dispatcher...

"Base Dispatch, how can I help you?"

*deep gulp* hand trembling, lump in my throat.....Yes, hi, I, um, my son...my son is almost 10...he had a rage fit, yes rage-anger, he smacked himself repeatedly, he was manic and screaming and threatening my life, threw blood on the ceiling...he is calm now but I need an MP(Military Police) or someone or something, I need someone, I need...I need to get him to the ER, we have to get him help, we have to do something, he can't live like this, I can't live like this, I don't know what he will be like when he wakes up...what will he do next? Please...I need someone to come to the house, I need help, please....

Fighting for Vivace's Victory over Trauma...(part four)

2011-05-14T13:24:00.002-04:00

We have always said "as long as we can keep him safe from himself, and the others safe, we will keep him in the home"....many people have asked us, as early as 6 months home, if we planned to disrupt or rehome him. I even blogged about disruption/rehoming and the need for compassion in the adoption world, as one of my friends was going through the painful process.

It was around November of last year(2010) that I truly understood for the first time, that we were in crisis mode. I am sure looking at it from the outside, many of you already realized that. My mom's heart couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept that the love of a family wasn't enough. How do you not feel like a failure when your magic kisses no longer wipe away ouchies? When you are thankful that one specific kid is sleeping in? When you fight bitterness for the time, energy, emotion and investment that shows no signs of return? How do you love on a one way street without losing fuel to keep going?
The NeuroPsychiatric and Counseling offices had done a full work up for both boys, bringing in the area's best interpreter(my educated opinion) and taking their time and looking at cultural bias both from being from Ethiopia and also being deaf. We received a 12-15 page report on each of the boys...and there were some really hard things to swallow. 2 years home almost and no where near the attachment, progress we had hoped for...

I began researching all options, looking into every facility, every technique, every "expert," asking the hard questions, running into dead end after dead end. I prayed, I begged, I screamed, I (tried to) deal, I cried with God. I held every parenting choice I have ever made since the boys came home under a microscope and realized that while I love them, and we desperately tried everything we could, some things potentially made it worse. We were stuck in a cycle of survival and hypervigilence, the entire house, every member.

We committed to finding therapy options for Vivace...intensive therapy options. We were dealing with RAD that so few people(even therapist) understand, along with the deafness/language component...we FINALLY found a place we believe is Vivace's best option, maybe only (earthly)option to get the tools he needs to overcome his trauma. I had so much work to do ON ME to be able to accept this as a tool. I had to put aside MY desires, MY pride, MY goals and really truly focus on what could possibly help him overcome his history.

The paperwork chase began...The Primary doctor, the counselor, the psychiatrists, the respite workers all submitted paperwork saying that Vivace needed, "immediate intensive therapy in his primary language." They each laid out their experiences with him, and what they have seen so far and why it was so desperately needed. He received a "Mental Health Coordinator" and she explained the process to receive residential treatment, especially out of network, was intensive. It even required a military "higher-up" to sign off on our family needing this, so that the Tri-Care Regional office could look at places not on the approved network list. We committed to seeing this through. The facility that we found also has a charter, therapeutic school on campus. I met with the IEP team at the local school and presented my findings and petitioned them to pay their part of his treatment. The local school has been challenging to deal with on an HR level as we fought for job descriptions to be accurate and to find a certified Interpreter. They are still in that process. They eventually agreed to contract with the facility and pay the educational piece, because after all the ways we had attempted to modify the school environment it still was not a fit for him. We all knew that Vivace was losing time and academic progress because of behaviors and manipulation.

So, we have every doctor, the school, the therapist, a higher-up, and even the Mental Health coordinator signed off on this being his BEST option. March 8th, he was officially accepted to the facility....yet, because it was out-of-network, the paperwork was still our hold up. It needed many more signatures, way past this base or anything local. TriCare staff had to "prove" and re-prove that the listed providers could NOT service Vivace. That everything had been tried, nothign was working...so we waited. We waited through rages, tantrums, throwing up, kicking, hitting, bruises, threats, broken objects, manipulation, stealing....we waited. We set an optimistic goal of April 9th check-in. The plan being my mom and a friend(Karla) would be here to keep the kids and Vivace and I would fly to the facility and get him checked in. April 9th came and went....and we waited. Through painful emotional outbursts and violence, we waited, through rebellion and destruction...we waited.

I don't wait well, so I contacted many people to advocate for us, including the NC Congressman...we actively waited.

No end in sight, just a paper work chase...we waited in pain, scared to hope, sleeping with one eye open....we waited...

Fighting for Vivace's Victory over Trauma...(part three, a quote)

2011-05-13T22:39:00.000-04:00

"Beloved Creator... I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me
by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

Thomas Merton, 1915-1968 (Adapted)
Trappist Monk, Author, Poet and Social Activist

Fighting for Vivace's Victory over Trauma...(part two)

2011-05-13T22:15:00.000-04:00

I wrote this March 4, 2011:

Many see this move as waving the white flag of surrender or even giving up on Vivace. That just isn't the case here. We have fought for him since before we knew him. Endless fundraisers, workshops, reading the books, and talking to other parents. Once we got them here to the states, we did everything the books said to do. We put food in their room, we left extra lights on, we used shorter phrases with repetitive words. We allowed them to be younger, break things, investigate. We expected the long hours of crying, faking sickness for attention.We had lots of the expected behaviors, we had no idea they were just scratching the surface of what was to come.
18 months later I find myself desperate, reaching out in every direction. The people I thought would help, didn't. The people that had assured me support, did not provide it. I reached out to a local home-school mom that has the experience of adoption, special needs parenting and having a deaf son, and I was turned away. I reached out again, about a month later, and I was turned away. I reached out a third time and I was denied again. I emailed the Puvis camp at the TCL and was given a pep talk email, along with one contact. I followed through on that contact, chased with emails and phone calls and it lead to a sympathetic and supportive lady, that had nothing to offer our unique situation. I have talked to 6 people and 4 places that offer counseling and psychological assistance, denied again. I reached out to the DUKE center, nothing. The deaf school, nothing.
If I got paid a dollar for every hour I was on the phone, videophone or email trying to get help for Vivace, we could retire. Seriously.
I truly feel we left no local, or semi-local rock unturned. My spirit is depleted and I am losing time, my kids are losing time, our house is no longer a home, but a well orchestrated dance of movements to avoid rage fits that come anyway, or to protect E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E and E-V-E-R-T-H-I-N-G from Vivace, including himself.
In the battle to find healing and help for our family, we found an amazing place, that specifically helps deaf and hard-of-hearing people, all ages with emotional and mental health issues. It is a residential place and it is out of state.
I have been researching and fighting our insurance(TriCare) to allow him to go there for intensive therapy and a chance at a healthy future. I have fought for a Mental Health Coordinator, went through the local Mental Health entities, called the hospitals and places known for RAD therapy across the country. I.have.done.it. Faxing 50+ pages of documents and information to the facility. Meeting with our EFMP coordinator and asking to meet with the a higher-up on the "green side" to help this process be successful. Drive an hour, each way, to pick-up documentation needed the same day to get the process moving. I.have.done.it. With all 5 kids with me and my husband in Afghanistan. I have.done.it.
I fully realize the criticism that will follow, with this action. I fully realize the judgement both spoken and kept in people's heart will be harsh at times. I fully realize that the majority will see this as a white flag, not the regrouping and calling for reinforcements that it is.
I wear size 9 1/2 flip flops, because I don't have time to tie my laces and if I did bend over to tie them, Vivace might see that as an opportunity to make good on any of his thousands of threats against myself and Etude, or he might quickly drop his pants to expose himself, or he might swipe something as he has numerous times over the last 2 years....walk a day in my flip-flops, it isn't a white flag. It is a alternate way to fight for healing.

Fighting for Vivace's Victory over Trauma...(part one)

2011-05-13T21:59:00.000-04:00

I wrote this on March 7th of 2011, I am ready to share it now....

Have you ever done something you absolutely knew had to be done, but it hurt? It is like your heart is just bleeding all over the place and anything can send you into tears or anger. It isn't the way you wanted it, it doesn't seem fair, it was never on your radar and yet there you are, in the middle of it all-stepping forward with confidence, painful heart-wrenching confidence, that it is the right thing, the next step... and in the pain you search desperately for someone to tell you it "isn't necessary" or give you a magic solution to avoid this, possibly something you hadn't tried or thought of....but you know.without.a.doubt.
this
is
the
next
step.

and you keep moving, heart bleeding, tears flowing, moving forward-feeling like it is going backwards but knowing in the depths of your heart it is forward.

Vivace....

2011-05-09T17:22:00.000-04:00

THANK YOU for the love and concern. I promise to give an update but it maybe another day away, everyone is safe, everyone is OK...all 7 Andersons are OK, I have amazing friends and family and a really POWERFUL God...

That is my facebook status....I promise to update more....we are OK...

Journey to Health: Monthly Results....

2011-05-01T22:56:00.000-04:00

I am so glad to be telling April goodbye! I flipped the calenders over to May a few days ago in anticipation to move on into the new month.

We experienced a set-back in getting Vivace the help he needs. I believed this help would begin April 8th and it did not come through and they have yet to determine a new date of beginning services. I had an extremely emotional response to basically everything that has happened over the last 2 years of having the boys home. It all hit me at once...the craziness that RAD(Reactive Attachment Disorder) has brought into our daily lives seems unending. I have battled the schools and the insurance endlessly while having limited and inconsistent communication with my husband. Our respite worker, we LOVE, moved to Boston with a 7 day notice. Vivace's medicines had to be changed again, as he was becoming increasingly violent.

I also broke our elliptical! That is a whole other story about my level of stubbornness and carrying it down our 16 steps myself...but I will spare you.

I have joined dailymile.com and am beginning to log in our walks. We took a ride in the van and clocked several different paths we like to take, so we could know how long they are each time we venture out. I was disappointed that one path I felt sure was lengthy, wasn't! However, we did find a path almost the length of a 5K and I now have that as an option. (One of my goals is to run a 5K with Ashley!) We have been outside more and April was double the exercise/activity than March...I know that I can still add more of this, but I am thankful for the gain in the midst of the chaos.

I have had so many reasons to ~~treat~~ abuse myself with soda, salt, sugar....in the most truest sense of emotional eating. However, for the majority of the month, I didn't! My mom and my friend Karla had come to town the weekend we thought Vivace's new help would begin, but when it didn't happen and we were off schedule and eating out, I did not eat right. Other than that weekend, I have mostly been able to keep all the emotional eating in check. I even kicked soda! It isn't easy and I do crave the taste, but I am soda free (3 in the last 2.5 weeks) and feeling more energy from it.

As several of you know Jill G., one of my sponsors issued a challenge that when I lose double digits-the donors will match that loss by doubling their donation! I am so excited for that to happen! It wasn't this month, but watch out for next month! I am on a roll!

March 1st- 8.5 pound loss (Click HERE for this blogpost)
April 1st- 7 pound loss (Click HERE for this blogpost)
May 1st- 4 pound loss

Not a big awesome exciting "Biggest Loser" number, but I am seriously excited to see a loss after such an EMOTIONAL roller coaster month. It shows me that I am in this for the long run and I am changing habits, bit by bit, to be successful and see this to completion.
Vivace WILL be getting his additional help and the hold-up is a paperwork issue, it should happen sometime this month....I will fill you in on those specifics after it begins. I will also be posting pictures of my "motto mirror" this month as well!

YOU can SUPPORT my Journey To Health by clicking HERE or on the "Journey to Health:Sponsors" tab at the top of this page. I LOVE that you guys are in this with me. The emails, links, facebook inboxes, comments on the blog, you guys have been so amazing!! I am so thankful for all of you!

No stopping her....

2011-04-30T22:18:00.000-04:00

...that's my girl!

Daddy dolls x 5....

2011-04-25T20:53:00.000-04:00

You can order daddy dolls, grandparent dolls, momma dolls, or all the above HERE they come in a variety of sizes and are washable. They also have a voice recorder option. Our kids LOVE them!

Morning hair...

2011-04-22T14:06:00.001-04:00

...another reason to smile through the chaos.

Fog...

2011-04-20T19:24:00.000-04:00

The fog is deep and vast,
I can't see my own feet,
Don't know where I have been,
Can't see where I am going.
The fog blurs all my senses,
not just my sight,
I am disoriented standing in one place,
or maybe we did move,
I don't know, I can't see.
I can't see,
I can not see anything.
Time is suspended,
Nights are days and days are night,
or maybe there is neither,
Marking time without an end in sight,
Time is mocking me,
while the fog blinds me.

Deodorant....the rest of the story...

2011-04-12T10:28:00.000-04:00

I explained to Vivace what it was and how it was used. We signed back and forth about the "What" is the sign and printed English name, "Why" do we use it, "When" do we use it, "How" do we use it, "Where" do we use it. He was EAGER to have something new! He signed back the instructions about 3 times before being able to accurately tell me the: why, where, when, how, and what, of it all.
I acted it out first and then passed it to him to try. He laughed and giggled, a barely visible red appeared on his cheeks, his eyes glowed, he was so excited! He was so excited his voice made a humming noise that he was unaware of, he basked in the moment of trying something new, stretching out the experience with laughs, and asking "does dad know, we are doing this?" He also listed all of our friends and family and asked which ones use deodorant: "Does Uncle Josh?" "How about Aunt Carrie?" "Does Cousin Sam's mom and dad?" "Grammee and Popple?" Did Grammee and Popple teach you?" it was about 20 minutes before he actually got to using the deodorant for the first time.
His voice still humming, he stretches his left arm as if he was reaching for the ceiling, his right arms swings in and rubs on the deodorant forcefully and he almost falls to the floor laughing. He calms down only slightly to make a wide stance as if he was a linebacker about to block, he takes 2 deep breaths and then stretches his right arm to the ceiling, with his left arm his forcefully rubs on the deodorant, and then in a smooth motion of pure instincts he brings it to his mouth and takes a bite.
I believe we will call it "natural consequences?" He quickly spit it out and from the look on his face, I feel confident, he will not eat it again anytime soon.

A little later Etude was out of the shower and I asked Vivace to explain what he learned about deodorant. I sat and watched as he accurately explained all the points of deodorant. He explained it about 2 times and then demonstrated it (without tasting it this time.) Etude looked very unsure, so I explained it again. I told him daddy uses it too and I do. I explained the benefits and how it meant he was a "big boy" now.
He signed, "No, thank you."
So, I put a bigger smile on my face and explained it again in my cheerleader/parenting tone: Etude, this is SO cool! You get the chance to do something like DAD! Isn't that AWESOME?! Dad will be so excited to hear you are learning how to use deodorant! I am so excited for you! How fun!.....
He took the deodorant and put it on, WITH the LID STILL ON! I praised him for applying it correctly and then said "that was right! now take the lid off and do it again and you got it!"
He signed, "No, thank you."
It took about 10 minutes before he decided he would try it, then he held it a few inches from his arm pit for a LONGGGG time...I helped tap it to make contact with his armpit and he jumped back!
He signed, "I shower finish. I clean!!!!"
Then I realized he didn't want to get "dirty" and have to take another shower....so we explained again, the benefits and the "when" being after you shower...I still don't think we have him convinced! He thinks it will make him dirty, not help him stay fresh!

Ginger and Carole you both guessed Vivace accurately! Email me and let me know if you want a $15 gift card to Barnes and Noble or a set of MaryKay Satin Lips. Congratulations!

Deployment Prayers....

2011-04-10T21:03:00.000-04:00

Primo prays over her plate of Texas Toast, no lasagna for this picky eater, just toast...

Dear God, thank you for my family, thank you for my toys, thank you for water we can drink. Help Vivace get better so we can play with him more. Keep daddy safe....

She pauses and looks at me to say, "Mom, what are we asking God to keep daddy safe from?"

(long pause)

"You know how when someone travels, and we tell them to be safe? We want them to arrive to their destination OK, and to have a good time..kinda like that."

She bows her head and continues:

Please keep daddy safe....from stuff...keep him safe. Amen

She pauses before beginning to eat her toast and thoughtfully comments, "Mom, I think it is a different kind of safe. It feels like a different kind of safe."

God is bigger than.....

2011-04-06T19:40:00.000-04:00

.....I am facing a situation that I know ONLY God can work out....and I am reminding myself that God is bigger than paperwork and people not doing their job.

We are acting out of HOPE, FAITH, LOVE and BELIEF in God providing for 'Vivace', we are asking you to join us in prayer for a "verdict" to be delivered tomorrow!!

Your turn, complete the sentence:

God is bigger than......

Deodorant....

2011-04-05T20:53:00.001-04:00

...both the boys were introduced to the why, how, and when of deodorant tonight....

I'll let you guess each of their reactions before I tell what unfolded....You can leave your guesses here on the blog, facebook responses will not count. The person/people that guess it right for either of the boys will win a set of Satin Lips from Christina's Mary Kay business or a Barnes and Noble gift card.
(Up to 2 of each prize will be awarded. You must guess the correct response with the correct child to win!)

Giveaway winners will be announced Sunday, April 10th at 9pm EST.

Let your imaginations run wild!

...rooted in love

Happy 5th Birthday Scherzo!....

Giveaway!

And baby makes seven, turns 2....

December pictures...

Merry Christmas!

Guest Post: "When the Holidays Hurt" and "Legacy"....

I still feel this way, and wonder these things, and I am sure there are others out there with gaping wounds that are walking around on the verge of crumbling...

Happy Hanukkah!

There once was a boy and a girl....

Journey To Health: ALIVE- Thanksgiving (Vegan Style)

Journey To Health: ALIVE -The beginning...

A is for....

...and then there is this...

Pretending...

Silly fall festival picture...

October pictures...

Journey to Health: An Update...

My littlest and my biggest...

Happy Birthday Etude!

Rooted in Love Acdmy: Another Fun Science Project...

Future Homeschoolers of America...

The other half of the golden ticket....

Preparing for battle....

The song of my heart...

Vivace: The Update...

Monkey See, Monkey Do....

This is where I am tonight...lots of nights...

It is all Beth's fault...

It is official, again.....

Vivace visual update...

32 years....

A word from Orlando....

Journey to Health: Monthly Results....

Busy avoiding Irene....

Calm before the storm?...

Wash off, wash on...

Journey to Health: Turkey with me....

Painfully Validating....

Etude's Post....

Giocoso's post....

Scherzo's post....

Today, everything feels a little closer to right....

Primo's post.....

$60,000--$75,000...

They are up to something.....

Etude's escape....

What big sisters do to the little sister...

18 months old.....

So yummmy...

"What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love and Healing"...

Journey to Health: Monthly Results....

I don't know about you, but....

Visiting Vivace: Friendship....

Hmmm, this isn't normal....

It is the simple things in life....

What adoption dreams are made of....

Journey to Health: Mirror Mirror On the Wall....

Rooted in Love Acdmy: Science Project Fun....

Journey to Health: TN.....

TN: A little more of this and a little more of that....

TN: A little of this and a little of that....

Journey to Health: Your turn...

Can't wait for him to see this one in action...

Love my babies...

Devil of a time....

Happy 10th Birthday Vivace!

I love her spirit and laughter...

Journey to Health: Monthly Results....

Dear Vivace....

Don't cry....

Visiting Vivace...

Prayers for Vivace's Healing....

Job Opening: Interpreter! NC

SALARY RANGE:

OPEN PERIOD:

SERIES & GRADE:

POSITION INFORMATION:

DUTY LOCATIONS:

WHO MAY BE CONSIDERED: