...and then there is this...

...I got the news this morning, but I am in overdrive.
We have a "respite" type situation at our house and have brought in a little girl with diagnoses Vivace also has, she will probably be here a few weeks. We were busy re-purposing Vivace's room: wall stickers, girly blankets, run the vacuum. The room was slowly awakening with life, with promise of new memories and purpose.

To be extremely honest, the only prayer I have been able to utter the last few weeks prior to this was quietly and ashamed to God-

"Help me. Indifference is crawling up my body and apathy's hands have a firm grip on my throat. Soften me, I don't want to be softened-I don't, but I know I need it. Soften me to Vivace."

Now my heart breaks for this little "respite" girl and her family. The pain, fear, and exhaustion had made residence and permeated the very air we gasped in for so long, that I recognized the smell as if it was my own-but it was theirs. In comparing battle wounds, I realized that some of mine are actually scars, they are well into the healing process. As I share books, resources, therapeutic parenting techniques, I become more aware of my knowledge base so much so that the mansion built of fear and guilt that has polluted my soul-were relocated to just a tiny shack without even a vacancy notice.

Sunday morning in church we sang the words, "If faith can move a mountain, then let the mountain move." It reminds me of one of the verses I have used to revive me, my oxygen supply when my body no longer could do it on its own.

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20 NIV

Countless times I have clung to that, "nothing is impossible, nothing, nothing, nothing is impossible."

So many times during the insurance battles, the fight to be validated on his mental health challenges, the endless HOURS and HOURS of meetings, I have clung to Isaiah 45:2:

I will go before you, and will level the mountains;
I will break down gates of bronze, and cut through bars of iron.

I have been several places and talked to countless people and kept thinking, "Where are you God? This is feeling real isolated! Hello?! I know your word says you are leveling mountains, but I feel like I am climbing them. I want to believe, I do deep in my heart somewhere believe, but...I also have doubts. Level the mountain! I do have the mustard seed, level the mountain!"

The facility that Vivace is in told me that he would have to be checked out(and monitored 24/7 for possible injury to self or others) while one insurance finished and we waited for the other to begin. No, it doesn't make sense, but does insurance ever? She explained that they have had, and do have other NC children there on the same insurance, the requirements are always the same and she just wanted me to be realistic. The primary insurance told me that it was pretty unheard of for a smooth transfer from them to the secondary insurance, to expect some turbulence in the journey and maybe even a lay over.
It is those moments, when the experts tell you it can't be done and you are facing an active duty spouse, 4 other children, your own gushing wounds, while being days overdo for a shower with no plan.at.all.
(Do you bring a violent child into the home with other children? If you do can DSS step in and remove the other children because you knowingly brought them in harms way? He is too young for group homes. Doesn't qualify for local services-because he needs something so intense, what are we going to do!?!?) that make you doubt what you know to be Truth.
While I do have those freak outs in the beginning moments, I read, I pray, I call on my prayer warriors and then Philippians  4:4-9 washes over me:

 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.   Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

The peace that passes all understanding...from the God of peace holds me like an embrace of friend wanting to share in your burden and lighten your load, squeezed so tight your feet are lighted off the ground.


I received an email today. An email that was long in the making. An email I KNEW I would shout from the mountain tops. An email that would be blasted on twitter, facebook and text to all my contacts, the doctor offices too! However, when I got that email, I didn't jump, I didn't scream, I didn't shout it...I whispered it aloud. Chills spread rapidly from my arms to my feet a long deep breath left my body on its own accord..a minutes, three minutes, 5 minutes pass....
I don't even know how to respond. Am I in a state of shock? Dismay?

Then I do the only thing that comes natural to me, I slide the computer chair out from under me. I sit on my knees, then my palms on the floor, now my nose and forehead....{breathing slowly, peacefully}....I say the only words that can form on my lips:

Holy
Holy
Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty.


I have spent a year clinging to verses that exemplify desperation, faith in crisis, belief that God has gone before me...I don't know that I was ever prepared to be on the other side of those verses. To stand on level ground that once was a mountain, to look back and see the gates of bronze destroyed...
I look up at the screen again, reading the words I have already memorized, "Vivace is fully approved for insurance funding, all uncovered days will be retro funded.  None of us can believe it, you really did it, it is done. He can stay and get the help he needs."

My hands and face fall back to the floor and my hushed whisper begins to warm the cool floor beneath me...

Holy
Holy
Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Holy
Holy is He.
Holy
Holy
Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty.
Holy
Holy
Is He.