A word from Orlando....

So much happening in my mind, trying to clear it and really focus. It is truly a challenge to not be consumed with "what ifs."

What if:
We can't navigate the insurance coverage to pick him up Nov 7th when TriCare ends?
Where will he go? He can't be in the house for his own safety? Who can take him? How long until he rages again? Then when he does, what do we do? How do we protect him and the other kids and even our own lives?
What if the insurance does pick him up? Will the new one require monthly trips? Will they be reimbursed? How will we pay for them? Who will watch the other kids?
What if he has to stay here for years? What if he ends up in jail? What if he never becomes stable?
What if he does become stable, can we be open to him coming back home? Can we receive him without defense and bitterness of the pain and agony caused? If he is stable will that change with puberty as the majority of other kids suffering from RAD? If he does will he become more of a sexual threat in the house? How will all of this impact the other kids?

So many questions, so many things up in the air...

I take a moment and just taking some deep breaths, I can't worry about him as a 20 something, or even a teenager, I can't even be worried about Christmas and the stimulation, if he is home, or the sadness if he isn't...I just have to focus on one thing....OK, maybe more than one thing, but definitely fewer than I have streaming through my head right now.

1) Above all else, regardless of adoption ethics and how the boys got to us and all the questions surrounding it-I have a heavenly assignment to advocate for them. That will come in many forms and many unexpected adventures will offspring from it, but regardless, I know that I have been gifted by God with experiences, resources, a supportive "Team Anderson," doctors, social workers, and numerous people I have yet to met. He will continue to supply my needs, regardless of what I think that should look like and what form it actually is presented to me, He does, and He will continue to do so. On the days therapeutic parenting seems overwhelming, I will still be advocating.

2) Insurance: our insurance will max out at 150 days (Nov 6th). It doesn't matter that he is not stable, his therapist and therapy team and therapeutic school all say he isn't ready...150 days is looming over my head and my heart. To break free from that chain of fear, I will focus all of my "Vivace time" on insurance, getting the documents, working the system, pleading, begging, praying for open doors. I will rework the energy of doubt and fear into productivity and faith.

Having just left Vivace...I have so much to process...both mornings I arrived, I had to wait 10 minutes to even see him because he was in time-out for a physically aggressive/violent act against his teacher.

Me: Why did you punch that teacher in the chest/neck?

Vivace: Because she told me to try the multiplication activity.

Me: Is it OK to hit people?

Vivace: No, never. Not acceptable.

Me: So next time something is frustrating or you don't understand it, you can ask for help.

Vivace: OK

Me: So tmrw when something frustrating happens in school, what will you do?

Vivace: Get mad and make people hurt.