There are several times in the midst of the last 2.5 years of craziness and chaos, that I have just wanted to take a long, hot, shower. Soaking in a tub would be a great fantasy as well. It never happened in the last 7 months. Hubby being deployed and Vivace in a rage/downward spiral that started last fall and hasn't fully stopped yet, left me with little time to even think about taking a slow, warm shower.
Recently, in my journey to health, my friend Christina got me hooked on Mary Kay face washing system. I love the way my skin feels, and the smells are not over powering for the asthmatics in the family. It is refreshing and I look forward to that five minutes of self-pampering. It feels wonderful and serves as a tangible reminder that I am washing away the old, ready to start fresh again.
I have been dealing with the insurance argument of "who pays" for the RTC after the 150 day mark, when he still is a danger to himself and others. After seemingly endless calls, emails, meetings...I was so ready to "restart" my morning that I decided I would do just that. I grabbed a washcloth from the fresh pile my husband had just blessed me with and did the facial routine. Deep breath and I really am beginning to feel refreshed, I cover my face with the washcloth and was knocked off my feet with emotions. I literally stumbled back a few steps, and grabbed for something to balance me. Flashes of blood on the wall, poop on the sink, I couldn't even see my own image in the mirror. His eyes when they are filled with rage and the child is "gone" and only trauma and anger remain, his fist coming at my face, the smack across my arms, the bite on my leg, the pee stained walls, the broken window locks, his breath, his sound, his scream, his threats against me, his homemade weapons, my entire body felt weighted, almost as if held hostage to a horror movie I was not only having uncontrollably mentally flashing, but I was in and lived...THAT SMELL...my husband had unknowingly washed the towels and wash clothes in the detergent Vivace used for everything. It was the smell of the washcloth that brought everything involuntarily flooding in and knocking me off my feet for hours.
Secondary PTSD is real, PTSD is real, parenting a traumatized child effects the ENTIRE family.
And as much as I want to scream "THIS ISN'T FAIR! THIS HAS TO END!" I am also strongly convinced that what Vivace is suffering through from his trauma, neglect, and abuse, far out weighs anything I am experiencing in the "aftershocks" of parenting him.
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UPDATE: I went grocery shopping without kids tonight. I really enjoyed the quiet, but it also felt strange. I am so accustomed to them being with me all the time. When I got home, my husband had removed ALL the clean towels and wash clothes from the bathroom, and was rewashing them in a different detergent. LOVE that man.
It's Talk Show Time People
15 hours ago
10 comments:
Thank you sooooo much for posting this. I wish more people would speak up. I've heard so many stories from families who have gone through these types of situations, it is more common than anyone wants to realize. It is sad, because people yell at them about how they are ruining adoptions and so they feel so ashamed and never share publicly so that other people can be prepared for any situation that may come along with their own adoptions. I think it is dysfunctional and controlling people who try and hush other people up using shame tactics.
I was yelled at for being honest about our trip home, because people would rather hide their heads in the sand and keep it all in darkness instead of honest, open sharing and bringing everything into the light. If people try to harass you into silence, ignore them. They are ignorant of reality.
And hang in there. I know PTSD is so real and difficult! I'm sorry you are going through these things, but I love your heart and love for your child!
HW
Jillian, you and Ashley make my heart sing. I am so glad you have each other. Love, Lisa Day
Very sweet, very wise hubby...
What is even more amazing is that some of those who have criticized others for telling their true stories have ended up disrupting. We all need to be careful about our judgment because as I have learned, "There before the grace of God go I" I love how this woman shared her trials and celebrates her joys in a way that we can learn from and draw support from. Thank you Jillian!
So true. I wish more adoptive parents felt they could be as honest as you are. These issues are much more prevalent than people care to admit.
This makes me tear up! I love that you have Ashley home, and I love that he cares so much for you. Praying for you guys, and would love love love to just sit and hang with you guys some day. :)
Reading your post, I cannot imagine what life has been like for you and your family. You have an inner strength that I admire and am continually impressed by as the days pass. It reminds me of basketball days at Towering Oaks when we would yell, "I can do all things through Christ!"
The update reminds me of when Nick and I first started dating. He asked me what was important to me. I told him "the little things." The things that don't really seem all that important and we daily push off (i.e., laundry, dusting, trash removal, etc). This is TMI, but when I get home and he's done the laundry, all I want to do is jump my husband =).
I commend your husband for all the big things he is doing: serving our country, providing for his family, etc. However, I definitely respect and love him for the little things he does for your all's family when he is probably fatigued from being away: giving the baby a bath, doing the laundry, and then re-doing the laundry in a different detergent. It's the little things that make you feel safe within love's arms. I am so happy you have this. Consider it a nice, secure nook from the rest of the world.
So. So. Sorry.
Thanks for your transparency. I, too, (as anonymous, above) have had the local adoption community very angry with me for being honest about the TOUGH stuff.
So glad that your sweet hubby is home to love and support you. And, I totally know how nice just a grocery shopping trip can be without children. :)
Blessings
Laurel
I'm writing a blog post tonight, with a link to yours. I've asked my readers to pray for you and your family.
:) :) :)
I'm also a trauma mama and I can so relate. Ours was not as much as a physical attack but a passive aggressive sexual attack on our kids. Really struggling with some of it tonight but wanted you to know I understand your pain. Our oldest adopted daughter left for RTC and never came home. We still have her siblings and still struggle every day. Just know you were prayed for tonight.
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